Name:

My favorite place in the world to be is underwater. My second favorite place is the front of a classroom.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Essay of Place Feedback

As/after you listen to each of your classmates read his or her essay of place, please share your positive feedback by posting a comment on this blog. Be sure to include the name of the person whose essay of place you're addressing, as well as the SPECIFIC comment you'd like to offer them. This is not a space for editing or critique; this a space to reveal what you found powerful, original, or otherwise interesting about each piece.

72 Comments:

Blogger emilee p said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:42 PM  
Blogger kaitlinb said...

Micheal- Good jub telling about the music, you compared music to how you felt about this place and that worked well

Jessica K- Your word choice about the ocean was so good and I could feel the waves.

Spencer- You must have had a really good editor. But your describition about the feeling of the pine cones, and tree braches was very strong.

Erin Lamb- Your story mixed into the bigger story was very interesting about Hong Kong.

Erin G- You used the sense of feeling and that was powerful, good senses.

Christine- I could understand your location and how you connected to it, good job.

Nathan- You told about colors very well I could see the yellow shed.

Jordan S.- I also liked the part about the line between reality and your place it was strong and good.

10:22 AM  
Blogger JordanL said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Kelly O said...

Michael- I really liked the desription of your band playing in the garage while it rained.

Jessica K.- Your opening was great! You did a great job describing the ocean; I felt like i was there with you.

Spencer- Wow! I liked how you waited until the end to reveal where your forest really was. Your description of the trees watching over you was very good.

Erin Lamb- I loved your essay and how your story spanned the world from your swing set to Hong Kong. Also, your description of your neighbor's BBQ was good.

Erin G.- You did a great job of showing instead of telling! I could tell exactly how you felt about all of the nature surrounding you. I also liked how you ended your essay.

Christine- good job! I liked the story about the hole in your wall. I did that to my bathroom wall! I also liked your ending about the silence in your room being interupted by the clock and the wind.

Nathan- I liked how you compared the past to a river. That's a really good way to describe it.

Jordyn S.- I liked the way you described how you liked sitting on the roof even though you are afraid of hieghts. I could really relate; it was the same for me when I used to climb a tree in my front yard.

6:02 PM  
Blogger mackenzieL said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:43 PM  
Blogger BessieS said...

Michael- I liked when you talked about the rain adding its own music to your song, it created a clear image in my mind.

Jessica K.- I loved how you described the feeling of being at the ocean. Your images were so clear and very well described I felt as if I was there.

Spencer- I liked how you compared the leaves comfort to your mother’s voice. I also liked when you said, “I just am.” That was so simple but yet very powerful.

Erin L.- I liked how you described how you could hear other people’s conversations but they did not even know that you were there.

Erin G.- Great description of natures simple beauty. It was disappointing but so true when you said that the place may someday be forgotten.

Christine- I thought that it was funny how you kicked a hole in your wall and that the hole is still there to preserve this memory. Also I liked how you described the feeling as “bubbles of laughter” when you look at the picture of apples on the house.

Nathan- You picked an interesting place to write about but I thought describing it as a “gateway to bliss” was very interesting and unique.

Jordyn S.- When you said that you had a fear of heights but that sitting on the roof did not bother you I thought that it was a terrific way to show how much the roof means to you.

8:00 PM  
Blogger shannon a said...

Coffee House Reading

Michael – Good description when you said that you felt small compared to the rest of the world. It really shows how you feel and it is like to feel that way. It was very good wording.

Jessica K. – Your opening is so good! I love the ocean and your description made me feel like I was there. They way you described how the beach looks and how it makes you feel while you are there is really good.

Spencer – Very good description of how the sun looked and how the rays filled the sky. I loved the line “For one brief moment in time I just stand there and smile.” Your last line was very strong and really brought they story to a complete. I loved it.

Erin Lamb – They way you told the story from sitting up on the bar it was very different. I really liked it; it made me feel like I was up there with you. The way you put your sense of humor in there really let me know who you are.

Erin G. – “Wholly and completely engulfed in this world..” I really liked that line, it game me a sense of how you really felt and what was going on around you. Good showing not telling.

Christine – You made such good changes. I can really tell the difference and it is so good! Good job. Your description of how you kicked a hole in the wall was very good!

Nathan – “Gate way to bliss” Very good line. The way you tell the way the shed looks and your memories by the shed make me feel as though I was there with you. I can tell that it really means a lot you.

Jordyn S. – I liked the line about how being on the roof you could barely find the line between reality and imagination. I also liked how you said you waved to your memories as though they were standing right in front of you again.

Jordan H. – “my lips bend into a smile” Very good wording. Very good description of the pool area. I really liked how you involved the children’s interaction in you story.

Monique - I loved how you picked a room that no one else has done. I like how you described the walls as a color that once disgusted you and that no one else likes, it makes it your own place.

Emily L. – “A smile lingers around my lips.” I really like that line, very good word choice. I really like how you described going into your own world of music. It shows where the music takes you and why you like it so much.

Michael 2 – Very good word choice, they are very strong and really get into the description of your room.

Kaitlin – Very good metaphors, I can really see what you are describing. I like the window and hoe you made it into a picture in its self.

Mckenzie L. – Your description gives the place life. The bridge takes you back to your childhood and shows how you grew up with it. I love how made the bridge more than just a bridge you walk over.

Dan – Your place is very original and I like the way you make it your own. “motion of life through my hands” I love that line. I like how your hands are apart of the whole thing. You keep going back to them as if that is what moves you.

Allysa – I like the way you put in your emotions and how you feel. “one excited murmur” I really like your word description right there and I like your use of verbs and word choices.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Spencer Z said...

Slappy
• Intriguing set of metaphors, they were very creative and added a lot to your story.

Jessica K
• Vivid imagery, I really felt like I was there with you at the ocean. You had great word choice, and I was extremely impressed with your

Erin L
• You used a great variety of senses making your essay extremely entertaining.

Erin G
• Your essay was amazing! You had extremely strong imagery and powerful metaphors.

Christine B
• Sweet stories! They really added a lot to your story and helped me get how you felt about the place.

Nathan A
• Very powerful and deep metaphors. Your essay was wonderfully creative and unique.

Jordyn S
• Extreme attention to your objective details, I felt like I could see through your eyes. Never compromise your astounding creative talent.

Jordan H
• A complete and deep description, I felt like I was there. I’ll bet you spent a lot of time on it.

Monique R
• I was impressed with how honest you were with yourself. Your writing was deep and courageous.

Emily L
• You had really great word choice and paid amazing attention to the detail of the concert hall.

Kait B
• You have a great message behind your writing; it sounded wonderful! Your editor must have been really attractive!

Kenzie L
• You had a marvelous mix of description and emotion!

Dan Huh?
• It was impressive how you turned the violin into a character. I felt like I was standing in your shoes playing.

Shannon A
• Tying together images and emotions made your essay really powerful!

Bessie S
• You did an amazing job of catching the wonder and impermanence of childhood.

Amanda
• Your metaphors were so strong and added so much to your essay. The word choice and attention to detail made me feel as though I was there. The waltz with your memories was especially powerful.

Sarah D
• The images of the bears were really strong and you conveyed so much emotion through them!

J-Weid
• I really loved the part about mowing your lawn. I could see it really vividly. I almost watched your journey through childhood.

Jessica M
• I loved how you described the feelings associated with all of the objects in your room; it added tremendous depth and honesty to your essay.

Lauren F
• All the metaphors about your grandmother made her remarkably clear and defined!

Kelly Oliver
• It reminded me of the giving tree, how the use of the tree changes over time, but it is always important to you.

Natalie M
• I loved the bittersweet taste of the emotion. You had a very strong word choice and an impressive array of senses.

Clayton W
• Your essay really came together! It was cohesive without loosing any of the depth and imagery that your rough draft had!

Sarah P
• You had a powerful and unique opening and did a great job describing the different facets of your street

10:25 AM  
Blogger Megan D said...

Jordan: Your metaphors really created a good picture. I understand everything you are doing while you are there.

Monique: The color and feel of the bathroom really jump out to me.

Emily L: The sounds really stood out and made your piece unique. It really makes a picture of your experience.

Michael: Your experience really shows through your paper, and your memories are clear.

Jordyn S: You did a good job of showing your emotions instead of telling them.

Christine: Your descriptions really brought it to life.

Kaitlin B: You did a great job of telling the story and incorporating metaphors.

Mackenzie: I liked the way you described when you were standing in the snow, the colors, and the feelings.

Dan: I like the way you described the locker you have. It seemed real.

Shannon: The way you describe your desk really gives a visual picture of what it looks like. I can also understand what you feel when you look at the desk.

Alyssa: I can really hear the sound of the conversation and laughter. Your description of the man is really detailed.

Bessie: I got the feel of how much you enjoy going to this place and why you like it there.

Amanda: You show what you are feeling really well. You can tell when you are tired, happy, or calm without even saying anything.

Sarah D: I could see room that you were describing; there were lots of pictures in your story.

Jen: I liked the way you described the yard that you were in, the swing set and the lawn, the deck and the lawnmower.

Jessica M: I liked the way you described the children laughing.

Lauren: I liked the way you described the warm feeling you get when you are with your grandma.

Kelly: I like how you described all the different ways you saw the tree, everything you used it for. I liked how you described it as something to protect you.

Natalie: The ship seems very real, and you did a really good job of using all five senses to describe your experiences.

Clay: I liked how you described the jump and what you were feeling as you went off this jump.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Lauren F. said...

Coffeehouse Reading- one specific good thing

Michael Hewitt
You used your sense of sound really well. It’s hard to describe the sounds but you did a pretty good job with it.

Jessica K.
Good metaphors throughout the entire paper! I can see everything that you described!

Spencer
Very nice! I really like the metaphors of the carpet of pine needles and the pine cones.

Erin Lamb
You painted a vivid picture in my mind with the descriptions! The part about you being taller than the Chinese people was very unique and made me laugh!

Erin G
You used a lot of emotions and how your body felt when everything happened. I also liked your word choice.

Christine
You had a good balance of the physical descriptions and your emotions and memories. Good job!

Nathan
Good word choice throughout your paper and metaphors

Jordyn S
WOW! That was really good from what I heard! Everything was great.

Jordan H.
Interesting to place to write about, it is really cool. You gave a lot of description of what it is like in the snack bar and I can see this with your description.

Monique
That was also a very interesting place to write about. I would have never thought about moments of being alone and peaceful in the bathroom.

Emily L.
You had a lot of showing in your essay and I know the feeling of clammy hands fidgeting nervously in my lap.

Michael H.
New essay- You had good descriptions of the books and the comfort they provide fore you. Nice paper!

Kaitlin B.
You made the sense of smell very useful in your essay and did a good job of showing the smells

Mackenzie L.
The descriptions of the path during each season created a vivid image in my mind!

Dan H
Great word choice, everything flows very smoothly and I can understand what is happening.

Shannon A
You described a good memory with your sister and how the room becomes emptier when she is not there with her.

Alyssa
Nice description of your godfather! You used your five senses really well in your paper!

Bessie
Very descriptive of the grass and the trees overhead with the cold lemonade and I like the way you mention the area around you.

Amanda N
You did a great job of showing your feelings and I didn’t notice any parts that you were telling about it was all showing.

Sarah D
Nice description of the air in the room and the heater.

Jen W
You had a good description of every season in your backyard and I could see the pictures that you painted in my mind!

Jessica M
You made a very detailed description of the entire room, it was a well written essay

Natalie M
Very nice paper and it was a great way to make this so interesting and it grabbed my attention

Clay
It was great how you made the essay into a flashback and you did a great job doing it and using verb tenses

Sarah
You had memories of the things that you said which makes it personal and easy for me to understand!

Emilee
Very nice essay, you described things well and I can understand what you are telling about

Megan D
Great use of all five senses! It was good from what I heard! Nice job

10:33 AM  
Blogger Kyle N said...

Coffeehouse reading

Slappy
- great showing of the total and complete emotion that is in the garage while the band plays

Jessica k
- great vocabulary and use of colorful verbs

spencer
- good the way the piece flowed and had so much character to it

erin l
- great showing of taste, esp. with the hamburgers

erin g
- good emotion and heart

Christine
- funny anecdote about how you kicked a hole in the wall

Nathan
- good analogies with the past

jorydan s
- great verb choice

Jordan h
- good humor, esp with the colts part

Monique
- good sentence variety and interesting place

Emily L
- good use of metapors to enhance story

katalin b
- good voice and heart throughout piece

mckenzie l
- good sentatnce fluency and variation

dan H
- wow, great voice, I could almost feel where you were just from listening

Shannon A
- simple word choice, yet that enhances the piece at the same time

Alyssa g
- great description of street and how you felt safe there

Bessie
- wow! That was great telling for that piece

Amanda
- great “field of golden sunflowers” analogies

sarah d
- good description of exactly what the bears looked like

jen w
- wow! Amazing showing of your backyard, from the smell of the place to when you stepped on the nail

Jessica moon
- good transitions from describing one thing to describing aother

laur laur
- good ise of flashbacks in order to enchance the showing of the place

Kelly
- great how you show the emotion that came with the berry wars

Natalie
- good how you tell of the sea through all five of your senses

clay
- I can almost feel the pain of when you got your concussion. Great showing

Sarah p
- great description of your “treacherous” streets

Emilee p
- I can almost feel the fear of falling the girl had just from listening

Megan d
- wow great description of the blanket

10:33 AM  
Blogger clay w said...

J-Dizzle Hunt: Great description. I like that place too.

Monique: That was really good! Very detailed and emotional.

Emily L: Crazy good detail!

Slappy: Great job creating a sense of home.

K. Bast: Great way of invoking emotions into your story.

Mack L.: You painted a great mental picture. It was easy to follow and fun to hear.

Dan Huh? : The story was much romanticized. Awesome job!

Shannon Adler: There was a very good sense of the room being used for years and being very aged.

Bessie: Crazy lots of detail!

Amanda: Very easy to relate to. It was fun to listen to.

Sarah: Good sense of a history to the place.

J-Weid: That sounds a lot like my house! Very good emotion-showing.

Alyssa: What a great storyteller you are! That was awesome. Very detailed with good emotion-incorporation.

Jessica M: Amazing story. Very descriptive and detailed.

Lauren: She sounds like a pretty cool lady! The mental pictures were awesome.

Kelly: You did a wonderful job telling the history of your tree.

Natalie: Wow that sounds like quite a trip. The beach is coo’ yo.

Sarah P: That was great. Wonderful job paintin’ a picture.

Emileeeeeee P: You’re an amazing author. Wonderful job.

Megan: Awesome story! Nice job yo.

10:34 AM  
Blogger christine b. said...

Slappy- I like how you make your seemingly plain room comes to life with your experiences and belongings. I like the metaphor of your books as drugs, helping you get through hard times.

Jessica K- I like how you compare yourself to the sea and use similar imagery between you, your surroundings, and the sea. The imagery takes me to the beach and brings out its’ beauty- especially the trees and orchid.

Spencer- I like how you give yourself many different occupations- all relating back to this place and that here you become whatever you want.

Erin L- Good personification-“tree that loves to be climbed,” Good showing how it feels to be above and beyond! I liked your place- very unique and interesting.

Erin G- Wow… amazing imagery, I especially loved the description of the squirrels, their every move and noise engages the reader and focuses them on something other than just the place. I like how the smells “rise up” to your nose.

Nathan- Good description of warm roof- makes it sound comforting compared to the cool, dark ground.

Jordyn S- I an impressed that this place means so much that it makes your fear of herights disappear- really shows how much you like it! Amazing imagery when watching others from above.

Jordan H- Interesting place, I like how you describe the pool area. The scent, the humidity, the sounds. It takes me there. Good simile- the children dash like animals.

Monique R- Good description of the color of the walls…glad you give both your feelings about the color as well as a complete description of it.

Emily L.- I love the flashback! Engages the reader and shows how far you have progressed compared to your nervous twelve year old self- good description of this feeling and then good description of your love for this music- you imply how much it comforts you and your enjoyment with it, even though you don’t bluntly say it.

Kaitlin B- I like the smells and imagery of each season, allowing the reader to travel through time in this room. The tastes, smells and images of each season come to life in this room.

Mackenzie L- Interesting place! Its’ wear and tear that you describe gives it life and adds to your stories, showing that it has grown up with you. I like how it helped you think and discover who you are, after you have pretended you are something else (princess, etc.)

Dan H- I love your place! This becomes all yours as you describe it. Even though many people have been there, they cant make that personal connection that you have to this place, illustrated so well in your paper. It also shows your love for your music. I love how the sounds come to life during your performance in this hall more than anywhere else.

Shan na na na- good improvements! Especially when showing how the tv takes over the desk. Yay bubbles of laughter…I love that image! I love how you describe the excitement when you got asked to homecoming. I love the warmth and calamity you describe as you drift off to sleep- even though you don’t bluntly say this.

Alyssa G- Being above everything makes this place your own. I love how you illustrate the connection between you and your godfather. The description of the brownies makes me want to eat one!! Good description! The love the smells as you are sprayed with the water.

Bessie- I love how you descrie the “sweet lemonade going down your throat.” I like the shift you make from summer to school. Shows how your attitude changes immensely.

Amanda N- I love how you use “fortress!” I love how you describe your wall and floor! Reminds you of beautiful images- shows how much you like your room. I love your flashback! Gives it more meaning for you and shows us why it means so much to you!!!

Sarah D- I like your detailed description of the room. I like how your bears hold up your movies and bring back memories of your cheerleading.

Jen W- I love how you describe it as an “amazon-like world!” Ow I can’t believe a nail went through your foot! I love your many memories, expecially when you jump in the pool from the swings! You make each memory so vivid and take every reader back to this point in time with you.

Jessica M- I like how you describe your music player and music. I like the “book smell” you describe…I can relate!

Lauren F- I like how you are enchanted by this corner, with your grandmother. I like how you describe the “field of wheat, kissed by winter.” I like how your describe your grandmother’s English. Giving her a personality and bringing her to life.

Kelly O- I like how you “get lost in a childhood memory” and I love the memory! I can see the sour berrys flying through the air and splattering on children’s bodies! This place has so many fun memories for you, it gives it so much more meaning for the reader and gives them a connection to you.

Natalie M- Good word choice! I really like how you use exuberating! I like how the wind reminds you of this amaing experience. The silence surrounding you separates you from your surroundings- makes it interesting. You explain your feelings very well!

Clay W- I like your place! I love how you explain one of your first experiences snowboarding! Even though you have trouble, you still love the experience and have no fear continuing after your concussion. I love how you explain each memory in detail and you take the reader back with you, watching and listening.

Sarah P- I like how you describe each dog and your friends houses- how you are destined to be friends. Funny how you describe the lawn chairs and the treacherous roadways. I like how you made this paper your own by adding funny comments here and there!

Emilee P- I like how you explain nerves- stomach tightening. I like how you describe the “atrocious sight” of the room, but you still like it, showing how much it means to you. I also like how even though this story is about yourself, you separate yourself and make it third person. I like how you describe the suffocating humidity.

Meagan D- I like how your describe the beauty of this lake, and the isolation of the island. It gives you a place completely your own. I also like how your describe the fireplace.

10:34 AM  
Blogger emilee p said...

Coffeehouse reading

Michael (redo)- good description of your bedroom, sounds realistic

Jessica K. – I love your portrayal of the ocean at the beginning of the story!! Great Job!!

Spencer- Good Job!!!! Great use of metaphors, I can feel like I am in your memory it is very vivid.

Erin L.- your memory is very interesting, from your swing set to Hong Kong, it is extremely well written.

Erin G.- good job! I like your description of the animals and nature around you, your essay is very clear tuned into your senses.

Christine- great description using your senses! I like the story of the hole in your wall.

Nathan- interesting of your shed, good job producing visible images.

Jordyn S. - I enjoy the feeling you display when you are on the roof, I like how others can relate.

Jordan H. - I really like your description of the rec center as you enter it, I can really smell the chlorine, it is very realistic.

Monique- Good visual descriptions of your bathroom, this is a unique story!!

Emily- very melodic story!! I can tell you really love music.

Kaitlin- Beautifully written, your memories sound comforting and warm

Kenzie- I like the picture you present of a snowy day on the bridge, great job!!

Dan- Good job. I can really feel your nervousness as you are starting to play the violin.

Shannon- I can feel the chill in your room, and how much you miss your sister, good job using emotion.

Alyssa- Great opening sentence! It really draws the reader into the story.

Bessie- beautifully written, you display a sense of freedom though your description of your summer adventures.

Amanda- Very nice introduction to your essay it is very expressive and catches the reader’s attention

Sarah D. - Very vivid description of your room, I can really feel like I am there, Great story!!

Jen- I like your bright portrayal of your back yard and childhood memories, good job!

Jessica M.- very vivid story, I like how you take the readers through your childhood.

Lauren- good sense of smell at the beginning of your story, I like your memory of your grandma.

Kelly- I like how your tree “changes” to fit your imagination, good job

Natalie- I like how vividly you describe the cruise, even people who have never been on one can see it.

Clay- Good visual description of snowboarding, great story

Sarah P.- good story, funny, and clearly depicted great job

Me-

Meagan- I like your depiction of the lake, great visual images.

10:34 AM  
Blogger OfAThousandSuns said...

Jessica K- The description of the sea is really cool.

Spencer Danger-well, it’s spencer. What is there to say? Good descriptions of everything.

Erin- Wow the Chinese people are smaller than you. Cool essay, I got a good image of Hong Kong.

ErinG.- That was cool about summoning the people to defend your civilization.

Christine: I liked the anecdote about the friends trying to get through the windows.

Nathan: The No was coolrth Star reference

Jordyn: the smile that beamed was a cool thing, and that theme of warmth and shining. “plastic majesty”. That was cool.

Jordan H. nice. I liked the things about how the water looked.

Monique. I laughed at the bathroom thing, but its good though.

Emily. Well, you’re a better writer than me.

Katlyn: keeping it real as always. I liked how you used the sounds and scents to define what is home.

Macktizzle (Mackenzie)- I like in the beginning that theme of clarity of scent and liquids.

DAN HUH!!!-

Shannon-I liked the thing about floating.

Alyssa- Steve sounds like a baller. And now I really want a brownie.

Sarah D. Haha I just figured out your Downs’ sister. Anyway, good job I liked the whole bonding thing it was cool.

J-Wide: I have never known anyone to really enjoy mowing the lawn, but a riding mower sounds cool. Also, the personal waterpark bit was cool.

Jessica M: Good job good description

Lauren: I didn’t hear anything you said.

Kelly O. Nice thing about the spy HQ I did that stuff too when I was little.

Natalie-Sounds like fun

Clayton: The time transformation was cool.

Sarah: LIKE OMG MYSPACE!! OMG LETS TAKE PICTURES!!! But seriously though, it was a good essay, I like the part about the police staking out near your house, brought me back to my days in Compton. Terique don’t like dap po-po 5-0.

Emilee P.: I didn’t like the personal pronouns or whatever they’re called, like “she doesn’t” or “if she wanders…”, that kind of thing just sounds really corny. The nails coming down from the roof was a cool image though.

Megan: The fireplace sounds cool.

10:35 AM  
Blogger EmilyL said...

Jessica K
…”a liquid abyss”.
I tasted the salt, felt the sun and was transported to the beach. Wonderful job with your use of the senses.

Spencer
“…I just am…still can see the giants [Don Quixote].” Brilliant connection between the past and the present, especially the use of present tense to describe something that happened years ago.

Erin Lamb
“tree that loves to be climbed.” Reminds me of my backyard when I was little. Good connection between the current and your trip to Hong Kong. I like how you incorporated tastes.

Erin G.
I like how the rest of the world fades away as you describe listening to the squirrels and birds. Good connection with nature/animals.

Christine
“tickling my face as I lay down.” Your story of kicking the wall was humorous. I like the stories that you have connected to various objects to your room.

Nathan
“you can hear a muffled silence.” I like how you personified the roof top and made it seem an enticer. The parts about the dark hole and the ideas of untamed rodents living in darkness were well written.

Jordyn S.
“hardly find the line between reality and make-believe.” The sounds alone were enough to give me a picture- really nice job. Your descriptions became a story.

Jordan H.
I like the sensitivity to smell and touch. Good descriptions. You put the reader into the rec center; I was there alongside of the lifeguards.


Monique
“area that provides a sanctuary.” I love the attention to the colors in the bathroom, and the sense of peace it gives you.

Slappy
“Allowed me a safe but brief transport to another time.” I like the sense of comfort you described-especially with Pete the dog.

Kaitlin
You change your room into a rustic, rural cabin in the mountains. I can see the mountains and smell the pine. Beautiful job with your descriptions.

Mackenzie
“The bridge has no time.” I love your descriptions of nature. It is beautiful and entrancing - love the story of pooh-sticks.
Huh?
I love the contrast between the expansive stage and the crowded halls of backstage, especially after experiencing it myself. Really nice job.

Shannon
I like the memories of you and your sister laughing, and how you describe how you miss her.

Alyssa
“sort of like my Santa Claus.” I like your descriptions of your god-father, especially your delight and excitement. Good descriptions of the water from the fire hose.

Bessie
“I feel free…it is at times like these when I feel most like myself.” I like your descriptions of running and playing in the summer heat, and the change from the summer to school. Nice job fusing the two.

Amanda
“…my symphony ends abruptly…” I like how you connect the colors and physical aspects of the room into memories, places, and ideas. I also like how you describe descending into the basement, and your memories of playing make-believe. Good connection between your child and your current self.

Sarah D.
I like your attention to the details of your room, and the story behind your bears. The mix of colors created an image of a distinctly unique place.


Jen
“Amazon-like world.” I like the depiction of your family and its connection to the back yard, and how it was an intricate part of your everyday life. The story of your brother was entertaining.

Jessica M.
“It is crowded with candles to fuel my fire obsession.” I love your attention to detail in your room, and you addressed the five senses in a realistic and interesting way. I felt that I was in your room.

Lauren F.
“I listen to the wisdom of life that comes out of her.” I like how you described your relationship with your grandmother-especially the sense of smell and touch. I could feel the warmth.

Kelly
I like the contrast between the burning concrete and the warm grass. The description of the berry war and the gymnasts-reminds me of my own Olympic games when I was younger. I like how the tree was always there, but had so many different uses.

Natalie M.
I like your attention to the feel of the wind on your face, sailing through the water. I could see the cruise ship. “a symphony of silence.” Good descriptions of the lights flickering goodbye-

Clay
I like the memory of the collision with the man, especially the lapse in memory. An element of the mysterious with the jump-off, and of the friendliness of the trees were really neat. Good description of the powder and snow.

Sarah P.
I like your attempts to traverse the gushing water after the rainfall. Good description of the pop-tarts and the white trash chairs. I really liked your memories and the street during various weather events.

Emilee Prado
It was unusual to use third-person, but I really liked it! “the fear of darkness never entered her mind.” I like the idea of the secret room, keeping you safe and secure; even in darkness. I don’t think that you revealed exactly where you secret room was-that was intriguing.

Megan D.
“The lake stretched out as far as the horizon.” I liked your description of the cold sand and the depiction of the dying fire.

2:01 PM  
Blogger nathan a said...

Michael: good phrase structure

Jessica: good calm feeling

Spencer “Danger” Zeppelin: great insight into the emotions

Erin g: Good striding tempo

Erin L: Very good and lighthearted

Christine: Good expression of your feelings

Jordyn: good descriptions

Jordan H: good job putting me there

Monique: great thoughts

Emily: good word choice

Katlin: good soft tone

Mackenzie: good description

Huh? : your editor was very good looking
Good description of time

Shannon: good feeling of fellowship

Alyssa: good expressing the atmosphere

Bessie: good freedom in your writing

Amanda: good childlike point of view

Sarah D: I like the symbolism of the bear

Jessica W: good description of the feeling of water

Jessica M: good description of memories

Lauren: I can imagine the feet in your spine, great metaphor

Kelly: good feelings of solitude

Natalie: I like your description of travel

Clay: great description of how cold weather makes you feel

Sarah P: good expanse of emotional ground covered

Emile P: good contrasting the pleasant and unpleasant into an overall good place

Megan: good description of a fearful yet excited feeling

3:12 PM  
Blogger Alyssag said...

1. Michael Hewitt
• Great opening sentence. It is really powerful, and captures your feelings right off of the bat. I love how you admit that Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings comfort you haha.

2. Jessica Kelm
• “My thoughts and worries drip like the sea”-that’s awesome! You have great descriptions!

3. Spencer Z.
• You have such an amazing vocabulary and sentence variety that makes your writing so engaging!

4. Erin Lamb
• “Hong Kong smelled like a Chinese restaurant” “The Chinese people were even more height challenged than me.”-you are an extremely funny writer!!

5. Erin G.
• I love how you seem so intact with nature by the way that you described your relationship with it. Awesome essay!

6. Christine B.
• I like how you included specific experiences that happened in your room. The story about your wall was really funny!

7. Nathan
• ‘I felt like a piece of rosin…” That sentence was really cool! There were lots of really beautiful descriptions of the shed.

8. Jordan S.
• Don’t be nervous! You are an amazing writer with a great vocabulary! I loved the description of fall.

9. Jordan Hunt
• “Rotunda”-nice word! I love how you described the kids dashing to the water like animals. I can totally see that haha.

10. Monique
• I love your opening sentence. You really surprised us when you said that you spent the majority of time in the bathroom! That was super funny!

11. Emily L.
• You really captured your emotions of your first rehearsal! I loved how you said that you wanted to back peddle back through the door.

12. Kaitlin Bast
• You have amazing sentence fluency and variety! That was really beautiful!

13. Mackenzie
• I really like how you went through and described it in different seasons. “Icy palace”, “brilliant yellows in the fall”. I can see and feel your attachment to this place. Great job!

14. Dan
• “I was lost in the abdomen…” That is such an awesome image! I noticed you used body parts to make an image of your place. That is interesting.

15. Shannon
• I think you really captured your lonely feeling of your sister being gone by describing your room as cold and your dresser chipped. That was really cool.

16. Bessie
• “Dries the pebbles of swear running down my face”-cool visual.

17. Amanda
• I love your voice when you read. It is so calming and expressive! “my body is swallowed into its massiveness.” I like this sentence! “I waltz with my memories, we dance and turn”-awesome metaphor.

18. Sarah D.
• “The bears where soft like rose pedals in the spring” nice description!

19. Jennifer
• Ouch!! Description of nail in your foot captured me and made me feel it! You did a great job of showing your emotional attachment to your place by telling lots of stories and experiences that happened there.

20. Jessica M.
• Opening sentence was killer! I loved how you described your pieces of memories were scattered everywhere including shredded up in the trash.

21. Lauren
• You are a really amazing writer. You wrote some really beautiful descriptions of your grandmother. I liked the one where you compared her arms folded to a butterfly.

22. Kelly
• I love the visual of you laying in the tree like a hammock. I can totally see you in the tree hidden and spying on the cars. Haha. I really like how your place is in a tree because it’s unique.

23. Natalie
• “exuberating” nice word!! I really like the visual of you looking at the flickering lights on the shore. Overall, you did a great job of describing the ship.

24. Clay
• “My mind is wondering aimlessly through the maze called memory”-wow. I can really see you jumping off of the cliff and I can hear you screaming haha it makes me laugh! Awesome story!

25. Sarah P.
• You are such a hilarious person, and it really shows in your writing. “white trash” wow that’s so funny!! Awesome essay Sep!

26. Emilee P.
• I really like how you wrote from the third person perspective (I think its called third person)… It made the essay unique. You have great descriptions and sentence fluency!
27. Megan
• “My stomach did small somersaults…”-nice show of emotion! I want to go to your place now!! I really liked your essay!

4:13 PM  
Blogger Jessica K said...

Michael-Good job showing us your memories that you have had in your room. I also liked the part about your bookcase.

Spencer-I love your metaphors and word choice when you describe your escape from suburbia. It flowed perfectly and sounded amazing.

Erin L.-I could really see myself in the backyard. You made me laugh too at the part about Hong Kong!

Erin G.-I really liked your memory about Flicker! You did a great job showing not telling.

Christine-Your room made me feel the same way for my room and I loved the memory about the hole in the wall.

Nathan-You did a great job showing the senses and incorporating your thoughts to your shed.

Jordyn-You conveyed the joy you have of sitting on that roof wonderfully making me want to be up there too.

Jordan-I loved how you described your favorite place by showing us your average day at work being a life guard.

Monique-Your place was so original, not many people would have thought of doing the bathroom. Good job!

Emily-Wow! I can really tell you are passionate about playing the harp. I loved hearing your emotions as you play it with the orchestra.

Kaitlin-Your place seems so warm and comfortable. It makes me wish that I could be at my home too.

Mackenzie-You conveyed this bridge to seem so peaceful and beautiful. I loved your fond memories of it like the game you played with your sister.

Dan-Good job. I could really see the concert hall and the thrill you get playing your violin.

Shannon-I really liked the memories and emotions you have experienced with your sister in your room.

Alyssa-Your neighborhood feels so friendly and exciting with your family and friends always there.

Bessie-That lemonade sounded really delicious! I liked the part about you and your family playing games together.

Amanda-I love how you showed that whenever you enter your basement all your worry and anger just goes away.

Sarah D.-Good job! You were amazing at showing us the special details of your room. I felt like I was in it.

Jen-Your backyard seems so warm and friendly. I can tell you had some great times in that place.

Jessica M.-I loved seeing your child, teenage and adult self correspond with things in your room.

Lauren-You did a great job describing the coolness of the chair and the warmth from your grandma.

Kelly-The transition from describing your yard and showing us your memories was perfect.

Natalie-Your cruise sounds so fun and exciting. I could tell that is was one amazing adventure.

Clayton-Your great description made me want to go up to Winter Park too. It seems like you have had some daring but fun experiences there.

Sara P.-I loved the part where you describe your friendship with Louise and meeting each other in the middle of the street.

Emilee-I like how you addressed yourself as she, it gave me a different perspective. Your attic is so interesting and mysterious. Great story!

Megan D.-Your trips to Washington to your cabin sounds so fun. I could see myself there wading through the lake.

4:36 PM  
Blogger kaitlinb said...

My others are already posted:

Jordan H: There was good detail and a mix in of comedy

Monique: THe detail of the walls and metaphors of the forest were great.

Emily L: Good word choice and mixing your music in too.

Micheal: The room seemed to fit you and you to were one in the same.

Mckenzie: Good detail on the canal I could see it.

Dan: Good use of smell it should emotion

Shannon: I could see your room and it seemed to fit you.

Bessie: The describtion of your playing was terrific

Sarah D: Your childhood toys came to life.

Amanda: Good feeling of serenity in your place

Jen: Your place came to life and i could taste the blood haha

Jessica: Good use of color and visuales

Lauren: Great metaphors about your place

Kelli- Brillant detail about your place

Natalie: Good detail about events i want to go on that cruse

Clay: I could see the mountains

Sara P: The detial on the neighborhood was great

Emilee P: good use of the touch scent

Megan: I could see your place

5:05 PM  
Blogger Anoel said...

Jesicca- You are great at showing instead of telling. I felt like I was in the ocean.

Spencer-Nice metaphors. I like how you said that the smell of nature can't be bottled.

Erin L- I love the Hong Kong story! It adds alot to the story.

Erin G- I love your Darwin reference. Great word choice.

Michelle- Its great how you told the story about kicking a hole in your wall!

Nathan- Good physical descriptions, I like your ideas on the past.

Jordan S- The begining gets my attention! I like, "I was on top of the world, and the sun knew it."

Jordan H- Great physical descriptions, i especially noticed sound.

Monique- I like your place, unusual, but engaging!

Emily L- You show instead of telling very well! Your emotional connection is great, as are your physical descriptions.

Micheal- I like the poster detail. Very nice bird of prey metaphor, and book description.

Kaitlyn- Your physical descriptions are good! I like "beauties unmatchable"

Makenzie- You make really nice emotional connections! I like "oblivious to time passing"

Dan- I love your place! You have great word choice.

Shannon- I like your happiness "bubbles". I also love the role pictures take in the essay.

Alyssa- I love the storyline, and how your godfather is your santa!

Bessie- I love, "nothing lasts forever but i guess it is for the best"

Sarah D- I love your quilt description, as well as your bears drawing out a story.

Jen- I have never thought of snowballs as crisp, but they definatly are!

Lauren- I like the description of your grandmothers skin, and the train metaphor.

Kelly- Great story line, I love the berries and the olympic antecdote!

Natalie- I like your "symphony of silence," as well as your emperor metaphor.

Clay-I love the maze called memory. I like the way you pose a question to yourself.

Sarah P- I love "us village girls" and the white trash lawn chairs! Your paper is less formal than some, and I love it.

Emilee P- I love how you refer to yourself in the third person! Very refreshing. Your place is very unusual, but that made it interesting!

Meghan- I like your sun description! Good physical descriptions.

5:22 PM  
Blogger Kelly O said...

Jordan H.- I could really picture the pool and feel the warm damp feeling. Also the way you described the sound was perfect.

Monique- I loved that you picked such a unique room. you described your feelings in the room great.

Emily L- I really liked the section about one note uniting the entire room

Slappy- Good job describing your room. You had really good word choice!

Kaitlin- Your description of the two old walls was good. Good job! I can tell how special the room is to you.

Kenzie- I liked how you said that the bridge was untouched by time. You used good emotions.

Dan- Good emotions. I could really tell how much you love your place. I could really feel your nerves before you began to play!

Shannon- you can tell the place has always been there for you. Good job

Alyssa- Your description of the man is really good. I could tell how much you love him.

Bessie- You moved from the carefree days of summer to the more structured days of school wonderfully! I can tell how free you felt in the feild during the summer

Amanda- Your metaphors made your story amazing! I could picture everything in my mind. I especially liked how you waltzed with your memories, great word choice!

Sarah D- Great description of the many colors in your room. I felt like I was there with you.

Jen W- Your ending about someone else owning the yard and getting to have their own adventures in it was great!

Jessica M- I liked how the walls had seen you throughout good, bad, sad, and frustrated times. I could tell your room gave you comfort no matter how you were feeling.

Lauren- Good Job! your description of your grandma was great- elephant skin, snoring like a train

Natalie- You described the cruise great and you put a lot of feeling into your story! I loved how you described the silence you felt even though there was noise all around you

Clay- great story! I can really see you jumping off a cliff and doing a perfect accidental somersault!

Sara P- Good description of the white trash lawn chairs! Your memories were great!

Emilee P- Great! I liked how you contrasted your love for the place with other people's dislike for it. I could really tell that it was your place and no one else's.

Megan- great description of the lake, it sounds like a really fun place

6:40 PM  
Blogger Monique R said...

Jessica K: Good intro sentence, amazing descriptions, especially with the senses

Spencer: Again, great descriptions. You had all senses, but they weren’t forced or overpowering. I love the perspective at the end, it’s a great contrast. Good job

Erin L: This sounds so much like home its crazy. Good job capturing summer in every way. I love the way you brought the Hong Kong trip into your essay and incorporated it so well

Erin G: Wow, you included so many details! I’m impressed.

Christine: Your essay was so cute, and clearly had your voice all through it.

Nathan: This essay was so filled with memories I could connect with I got lost in a daydream about my own past. Good job!

Jordyn S: Very epic! I love the part about watching people pass by, with the blue notebook in hand.

Jordan H: This is a nice insight into your life, and very descriptive and inclusive. I could completely immerse myself in your description.

Emily L: Great word choice and great job with your description of your sense of touch.

Michael: I like this one a lot better; it’s well put together and has good structure

Kaitlin B: Good intro, great first sentence. Also, very descriptive and insightful into your life.

Mackenzie L: I liked how you included some background information and the contrast of past and present.

Dan H: Good first sentence, I liked how you went straight into description and good word choice. The part about your violin sobbing and crying out to you was great.

Shannon: You paid a lot of attention to detail and I liked how many memories you incorporated into it.

Alyssa: Your comparison of Steve to Santa Claus was adorable, and the description of summer was so complete I could absolutely picture it.

Bessie: Nice and concise, filled with great descriptions that gave me a perfect picture of your memory

Amanda: I loved your description of your bean bag and how well you remembered how you used to play with your sister

Sarah D: Wow so much detail! Good job not holding back at all.

Jen W: Haha the part about you singing along to N*SYNC was so cute. I loved how your ending took your essay into the future too.

Lauren: Your love of your grandmother was so touching, I loved it.

Kelly: Great intro, very grabbing. The berry war sounded very exciting. The transformation of the tree and how you used it was a good subject for your essay.

Natalie: Grabbing intro, and I liked how you chose your vacation to write about. It was unique. Mexico sounds like fun (haha Mexican boys!).

Clayton W: Wow that was dramatic! I like how you used the restaurant as the base of all your memories.

Sarah P: Great memories, very specific. Good word choice too.

Emilee P: I love how your essay was written from a different perspective than anyone else’s

Megan: Good intro, you got right into your descriptions and that was great.

6:53 PM  
Blogger BessieS said...

Jordan H- I like your attention to detail and description of kids playing in the frog pool.

Monique- You picked a unusual place to write about but you made it work very well and I liked how you described it as “ a sanctuary for my inner most thoughts.”

Emily L.- I liked when you described it as “ a place where happiness lasts and music never dies.”

Michael- Your room seems simple but very important and I liked how you said the “ books are drugs that ease” your mind.

Kaitlin- I loved when you said “branches slip through my fingers like years in life.” Great sense of emotion!

Mackenzie- You described the senses well and had a great sense of emotion showing through.

Dan- I loved how you described the nervousness that you felt the first time you went there.

Shannon- Your love for your sister showed through very well in your essay and left me hoping that when I go away my sister misses me like you miss your sister.

Alyssa- Good description of what it feels like riding a tricycle. I liked when you said, “we squeal with laughter and delight.”

Amanda- Great job putting yourself into the mindset of a child. Everything flowed very well and you had good word choice.

Sarah D.- I liked how you described the feel of the teddy bears as “soft like rose petals in the spring.”

Jen- Great figurative language! I liked when you said that you “turned the swing set into your own personal water park.”

Jessica M.- I loved the line “my walls have seen every aspect of my life…”

Lauren- I liked how you described your Grandma’s wrinkled skin like skin after getting out of a long shower. Great emotion comes through!

Kelly- I like how you captured the sense of importance that the tree holds for you. The line about the tree being a bulls-eye surrounded by berries was a great visual.

Natalie- I liked when you said that “the sea and sky become one.” The description of the ocean made me want to be there.

Clay- I liked when you said, “ I am in no hurry.” It was so simple but so many people are in a hurry all the time even on vacations, it was nice to feel a change of pace.

Sara P.- Great emotion and attention to detail. I liked when you said the “usually conquerable streets become treacherous roadways.”

Emilee- I like how you used 3rd person. It worked really well in your essay and made it very unique but also added to the emotion in it.

Meghan- Good images and emotion showed through. I liked how you said you were “swallowing your fear.”

7:30 PM  
Blogger JordanL said...

*Jessica K- I can feel the sand and the water and you did a really good job describing the water and I had a really good visual of the beach.

*Spencer- WOW! Fantastic word choice! You did a great job and I really liked the food description and the trees towering above you and the escape from a structured society.

*Erin L aka Elam- I can really connect to this because there is a tree in my backyard outside and we eat out there in the summer with the corn and can hear the sounds of the neighborhood there too.

*Erin G- Good description of your surroundings and how you fell when doing certain actions. I really feel like I’m there and can feel how you feel.

*Christine- This reminds me of my room kicking things aside. I have a hole in my wall too and my room is covered in pictures and reminds me of the good times.

*Nathan- I like the description of the yellow and the meat cooking on the top of the shed and the quiet place it represents.

*Jordyn- That was amazing! You did a really good job describing how you felt and could really be there.

*Jordan H- I liked how you described how whistle sounds off the walls and the kids playing and all of your surroundings. It creates a really good visual of the pool.

*Monique- I love my bathroom too! The way you told us about how you are completely alone and at peace and can think with your innermost thought really creates the air of the room.

*Emily L- I like how you wrote about being a nervous twelve year old and how the music relaxes away all the stress of the past week. I also like the connection between you and your instrument and the balance you need to find.

*Michael the Remix- This one sounds a lot better than the last one. It flows well and the way to talk about it, it really sounds like you aka the posters and how you can think of your thoughts. I love the idea of books as your drugs getting you through pain.

*Kaitlin – I love the description of a blanket like a child in a mothers arms and it sounds really homey.

*Mackenzie L- The way you wrote about this place makes it seem really calm and peaceful. I also like the connection to your childhood and the role play you did.

*Dan- I like how you said an enclosed coliseum and the smell of the locker room. I also like the connection between you and your violin.

*Shannon- The way you talk about your sister leaves something empty like the reader wondering where she is. I like the description of the desk and your corsage from homecoming. It brings it from just a room to a place of memories.

*Alyssa- I like how you compare your god father to Santa Clause, it gives a really good idea of who he is as a person. The food and tables give your place a sense of community.

*Bessie- I like the cool lemonade running down your throat and how it’s the place where you feel most like yourself.

*Amanda-I like the way you describe the bean bag and hoe you feel in your basement. I also like the way you tell about playing dress up.

*Sarah D- I love the description of the stale air and how the bed smells.

*Jen- OOO I like the spiking of the nail through your foot…. It’s kinda gross but good description.

*Jessica M- The way you talked about your pictures really painted a good visual.

*Lauren- Since I edited your paper it sounds a lot better! WOW good work on the description of the hair on your arms.

*Kelly- I like the berry wars and how it’s every man of himself. The sounds and feelings paint a good picture.

*Natalie- I like how you said being whisked away and the bittersweet taste of thinking of the trip.

*Clay- I like how the chocolate reminds you of all your memories skiing and it really brings your story together.

*Sarah P- I like the picture of the white trash lawn chairs and how you meet in the middle of the street. It reminds me of me and my neighbor.

*Emilee P- I like the stale smell of the air and the faint smell of oak and how you wrote it.

*Megan- Small somersaults and the rickety wood paints a great picture. I also like the way the lake sounds.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Erin G said...

Jessica K.- I love how you describe the waves in the beginning and as you enter the ocean. You describe the feelings so well and it is easy for me to imagine your place. Beautiful language!

Spencer- I like how you describe all of the different people that you become in your place. I also like how you describe the trees as guards from structured society. I also love the part where you are describing the smell of nature and that it cannot be bottled up.

Erin L.- I like the way you describe the plane ride and exiting the plane- the smell of the plane, and feeling the humidity when arriving. I could almost smell the plane and feel the humidity.

Christine- I love how you personify the mess on your floor as grabbing your feet and your pillows tickling your face. Also, I like when your mind “fills with fog” after you kicked the wall. It describes your feelings well.

Nathan- I like when you describe yourself as a piece of meat. This is a really great way to describe how the shed makes you physically feel. I also enjoyed the way you described the shed as having many faces and moods.

Jordyn S- I love how you describe your roof in the fall- the tea and its steam, the colors of the leaves, and the smell of the paper when you’re drawing. These were very descriptive sentences and they really helped me place myself on your roof.

Jordan H- I like how you describe your hairs standing up; very descriptive. I also like the metaphor where you describe the children racing to the end.

Monique- I love the metaphor where you describe yourself as a woodland creature sheltered by the forest! I really liked that metaphor.

Emily L- I loved the way you described your first experience. I could understand how you felt and it was extremely descriptive. It was a very beautiful essay.

Michael H- I like how you describe your closet as a dark labyrinth. I also like how the sounds outside come together to form a soundtrack that accompanies your nights.

Kaitlin- I loved how you described the room like a forest in fall and all of the scents were very descriptive. I could almost smell it.

Mackenzie- I really liked how the bridge acts as a gate to your imaginary world. You also had great descriptions of the outdoors.

Dan- Really Beautiful! I could completely immerse myself in your place. You had wonderful descriptions and the feelings you described as you picked up your violin were very nice.

Shannon- I like how the condition of your dresser resembles the past that you wish you could still live. I liked the term “bubbles of happiness;” it really described the feeling of joy well and it was very creative and original.

Alyssa- I really loved the descriptions of Steve’s voice. I could picture him there. I really enjoyed the new additions to your essay. They really helped your place come alive through your writing. Great additions!

Bessie- I really liked how your essay moves through time and shows how the times you spend here become good memories.

Amanda- I love your flashback and how your place takes you to the imaginary worlds of your childhood.

Sarah D- Your essay had very nice word choice and metaphors. I liked the memories that you included.

Jen W- I love how your essay moves through time in the beginning, showing your place through the seasons. I really liked the metaphor about mowing the lawn being a joy ride.

Jessica M- I liked how the walls watch over your life through the good and the bad. They seemed to be empathetic with your every feeling.

Lauren- I really like the descriptions of being cold; the shivers racing to your toes and your hairs standing like a field of wheat; really good descriptions!

Kelly- I like how the tree can change into any world you wish and it takes you away from the real world.

Natalie- I like the metaphor of the wind and your hair and the symphony of the engine. I also like how the lights of the bay wave goodbye to the ship.

Clay- I like how your memories are a “maze.” The transitions between the past and the present are very smooth. As in a movie, I could picture one scene morphing into the next.

Sarah P- Very nice language! I like how you describe the different walks you take along the path.

Emilee P- I like the unusual third person perspective. Very nice and sophisticated language.

Megan D- Good metaphors. I like how the wind whispers in your ears. I can place myself in your place.

7:58 PM  
Blogger mackenzieL said...

Michael: I liked the description of your closet and how you brought the past and present together. I also loved how you talked about your books and their adventures.

Jessica K: That was excellent! You had great descriptions that pulled me in and were very powerful!

Spencer: Like Jessica, you had wonderful descriptions that make this place sound completely mystical and real simultaneously.

Erin L: I especially liked the descriptions of Hong Kong; even though I’ve never been there it felt like I had!

Erin: I enjoyed the piece of your essay when you talked about the birds, I remember sitting so still that it feels that you can’t move too!

Christine: The feelings that you “show” are really descriptive and accurate!

Nathan: I really liked the powerful sentence about time and being “swept away”. Good thoughts.

Jordyn S: The metaphors you use are very powerful and make your story and memories vivid. Good writing!

Jordan H: I like the description of walking into the pool and the contrast of the sounds of the pool. Your descriptions were so detailed that it felt like I was really there!

Monique R: I liked your metaphors. It gave me a feel about what this place is like!

Emily L: You transitioned very well from your memories and the present. I especially liked the line “where happiness laughs and joy never dies” and the description of how you felt the first time you walked into the room. I knew exactly what you were talking about!

Kaitlin: I liked the descriptions of the tree and how it seemed to hold many years of your memories.

Dan H: I liked the description about how the sound would bounce back and forth through the concert hall.

Shannon A: I liked you described the memories and how you described the emotions linked with these memories.

Alyssa G: I liked how you described the sounds of the people on the street and the feeling of riding on your tricycle.

Bessie: I loved the line “the trees slowly engulf the sun” because it was so much more interesting than just saying “the sun set”. I also liked the line, “bittersweet feeling that we will never get that day back”. It was powerful and interesting. Good job!

Amanda: I like your similes and metaphors…they were very powerful and gave simple things beautiful images! I also really liked the description of your princess adventures. Wonderful writing!

Sarah D: I liked how you talked about the bears and the memories linked to them. Good job!

Jen: I liked how you began your essay, it was very “intriguing” how you talked about how the grass changed with the seasons but how it was still inviting whether it was green and squishy or brown and crunchy.

Jessica M: Your descriptions of the things in your room were very detailed and unique witch made your essay interesting. I liked how you linked your memories to the objects in your room.

Lauren: That was really good! I liked your similes that were unique but very descriptive. Your essay made me feel like I was there!

Kelly: the description of the difference between the hot concrete and the cool grass gave me a clear picture of what it was like. I really enjoyed hearing your memories and how the tree could change from time to time.

Natalie: It felt like I was there with you! I liked how you described the sounds and tastes on the boat.

Clay: I liked the line: “through the maze called memory”. I really liked your essay and how you transitioned easily between your memories and the current time.

Sarah P: I liked your description of the snow and how the streets are normally conquerable but are now treacherous. Good word choice!

Emilee: I liked how you made your essay in third person and how it became a section of a story. I liked the line, “a hiding place, or a finding place” and how you put in a lot of sound. Good Job!

Megan: I liked how you began the part you read with the rickety dock and how you felt apprehensive as you walked down it. I also liked how you showed small details like the red blanket with the moose.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Jordyn S said...

Jessica K
-I like how you say your thoughts and worries are all washed away with the sea as you step into the water.

Spencer Z
-I love how you compare the pine needles to carpet and the pinecones to currency. Very imaginative and profound.

Erin L
-It was great how your perspective was from atop the swing. Saying that the tree loves to be climbed really brought it to life for me, instead of it being some random object you could climb, it had emotions about it. Nicely done.

Erin G
-I loved your idea of squirrels flying away like helicopters.

Christine B
-I liked when you said your heart jumped out of your chest and dragged the rest of your body with it.

Nathan A
-I like how you talk about the friction safely keeping you above the rest of the world.

Jordan H
-I love how you describe working at the pool as if it is a totally separate environment from the rest of the world, not just emotionally for you, but physically as well.

Monique R
-Your piece was fun to edit and came together beautifully, you use such great detail.

Emily L
-I love how you say your music carries you away, it really gives your piece life.

Michael H
-I liked how you referred to your closet as a dark labyrinth.

Kaitlin B
-Your description of the Christmas tree and the ornaments was really creative

Mackenzie L
-I loved your description of the gate and how it shows the previous paintjob and rust and only gives people a glimpse of the snow covered ground. Amazing details.

Dan H
-You did a really good job making your instrument come to life, I got the impression that it was an actual person at times.

Shannon A
-I like how you keep connecting things in your room back to your sister’s absence.

Alyssa
-Good detail of your hair flying around in the wind.

Bessie S
-“trees slowly engulf the sun” I love how you make it seem as though the trees grow over the sun as opposed to the sun just setting behind the trees.

Amanda N
-Great description of laying down in the beanbag! The part about waltzing with your memories was divine.

Sarah D
-I liked how you brought cheer into your essay, it really lets the reader know what a huge part of your life it is.

Jen W
-I like how you have little past experiences and memories associated with every part of your backyard.

Jessica M
-Fire is the greatest thing of all time, way to be. I like your description of the old books and their smells.

Lauren F
-Really good metaphors of what happens to your body, such as you getting the chills being like a footrace to your toes.

Kelly O
-Your intro really got my attention and your berry wars sound really fun!

Natalie M
-I like your line about squinting to try and see the line where sky and ocean meet.

Clay W
-I loved how you went from present to past and then worked your way back to the present and said you were in no hurry.

Sara P
-I like all of your specific memories from the summer, they really help illustrate your friendship


Emillee P
-I found your essay to be very powerful due to the fact that it was written in third person. Really good job.

Megan D
-Good use of sound for the lake, it was really intriguing.

8:06 PM  
Blogger Sarah P said...

Natalie: "The salty wind filling my nostrils," I love how you said how you relate that smell of the ocean to the wind. Thats very unique.

Clay:"A collasal man," I love how you incorrporated your memory into the story, still keeping it in present tense and using the sensory and emotion filled techniques.

Emilee P: "The icy gri[ps of fear" I love that! Normally people describe how fear makes THEM feel, but you did how fear in itself is like.

Megan: I like the way you talk about how the deck scared you, how you had to take small cautious steps.

1.Michael Hewitt: The way you described the way the bass makes the world tremble and you said what happens, the ears going numb and the windows shaking.

2.Jessica K: I love the vocabulary you used, some of the verbs weren’t what we normally think to use. “immersed,” “Tumbled,” “enveloping,”

3.Spencer: The sophisticated vocabulary and the sense of how you truly love this place is very admirable. I love the way that you write and structured your sentences.

4.Erin Lamb: The way that you described Hong Kong, the smells the visuals, I especially love the way you referred to the Asians as Dwarfs!

5.Erin G: “Their tales flail threw the air, as if they were helicopters..” I love that! It really paints an image in my mind and I can picture their tales!

6.Christine: I love the personality and the voice that is present throughout your paper! It makes it very intriguing and easy to listen too. The hole in the wall!

7.Nathan: You did very well at showing and not telling. You described the smells and sounds and stayed away from just telling what everything is.

8.Jordyn S: I love how you talk about the road, and how it is your time to shine. It gives the paper a whole independence feel to it. The seasons that you describe are amazing! I love the way that you talk about fall, that makes me want to see it.


9.Jordan Hunt: Your senses, and the way that you describe the feeling of the things, and the way that you describe the whistle, shows a lot of emotion! Nice!

10.Monique: I love the way that you describe the colors, and the way that they make you feel. Their history and how you feel about them now.

11.Emily L: The way that you describe the way that you hands felt while you were nervous, although you never said that you were nervous, how you explained how you felt with a way that we all can relate to, enabled us to know that you were nervous.

12.Michael the remix: the way that you describe how this room is your retreat at the beginning is a very good opener, it is a bit of an attention grabber but it is not to overwhelming. “Its comfortable mess.”

13.Katilin: I love how you in between trains of thoughts you added little pieces of the outside world, like, “ the ground is frozn covered by a white blanket,”

14.Mackenzie: “slowly seeping into my toes threw my dirty white tennis shoes-” I love this sentence! It paints a really good picture. You never had any empty sentences, it had a really good flow.

15.David: The way that you describe all of the feelings in your body, you showed so much emotion, I especially love the way that you describe your case!

16.Shannon: I really like how you talked about your desk, it really became the center of the story and how you talked about each individual item made the writing feel very personal

17.Bessie: “rustled,” the sweat dripped down my face,” very vivid wording! “the trees slowly en gulf the sun,” I love the emotion and how you talk about how we will never get this day back!

18.Amanda: The way that you start off the piece of writing as if you are in the present, and you are walking through the space right now. It makes it very original, like we are there with you.

19.Sarah Downs: The way that you describe the air that is in the room, is very easy to relate too, we can all remember how that air tastes like!

20.Jennifer: “This Amazon-like world,” I love the comparison. “A colossal splash.” Ouch! The description of the nail is very vivid!

21.Jessica M: The bookshelves and the way that you talked about them really caught my attention, how you described the books and what they looked and smelled like was really original, I have never thought of books having a distinct smell but now that you mention it, they do!

22.Lauren: “Like a footrace from my back to my toes.” I love how you decided to do a person, instead of a place, I think that that was something that nobody else considered. It was very sweet how you talked about her!

23.Kelly: When you talk about the tree, and how it is like a bulls eye in the middle of the fallen berry’s and the leaves; really paints a good picture in my mind. Also the gymnastics routine! I think every girl can relate to that!

8:23 PM  
Blogger erinl said...

Jessica Kelm- great description at the beginning of walking into the ocean; how it feels on your toes, and the Garden of Eden image

Spencer- really liked the image/smell of home cooked meal at Grandma’s house and the overall idea of innocence

Erin G.- squirrels quarreling, feeling of heart beating, and referring to nature as a "Princess"

Christine B.- like the noise of the tree tapping on the window when the wind blows, lots of pictures leading to memories, personification of the clock

Nathan- idea of meat baking in the oven to show how hot it was, it was a memory-like mine.

Jordyn S.- idea that the road could be anything you want it to be, childish game yet still fun

Jordan H.- feeling of sweat when entering pool area, smell, humidity, and noise

Monique- interesting place, I never would have thought about that room as I place that I am completely alone with my thoughts.

Emily L.- the anxiety described when you mention cold and clammy hands; how music is happiness; how you just let yourself go because you are the “only one”

Michael H.- noise of street, staying up late cramming for test the next day, and messy to the point where you can’t see the floor is my room too.

Kaitlin- I liked the picture descriptions and how they reminded you of old times

MacKenzie- Loved the idea that the bridge did not lead to a place, “just having it there is enough”; and how it can be described as “a diamond in the rough”

Dan- good writer; you did a great job of showing the nervousness and tension you felt before performing

Shannon- the pictures of friends and how they brought up memories was interesting; the description of your anxiety of your sister’s arrival was good

Alyssa- your paper described the block parties just as I remember them; how Steve laughed like Santa, the fire hoses spraying us, etc. I felt like I was there again.

Sarah D.- “Soft like rose petals” was a great metaphor; I also liked your reference to the two cheerleading bears
Jenn- I really liked how you went through the seasons; the description of the hamburger allowed me to smell it; and the stories of innocence

Jessica M.- I was able to picture the books as if I were in a library; I also liked the idea of keeping your dreams

Lauren F.- I felt as if I were sitting in that leather chair; I liked the train metaphor of how your grandma snores, it sounds like my dad

Kelly- the description of the grass color allowed me to go through the seasons, and also the “sound of laughter” rang in my ears

Natalie- the cruise itself already sounded fun, and the way you described your adventures on the S.S. Explorer made me feel like I was there

Clay- I enjoyed the memories you shared, and the scuffy sound of the snowboard

Sarah P.- I liked the notion that you and Louise were destined to be friends, it showed how close you two are

Emilee- I thought the 3rd person point of view was interesting; Way to be different!

Meagan- When you described the sound of the wind as if it were whispering, I could hear it.

8:30 PM  
Blogger shannon a said...

thank you everyone for comments they were all very nice and good on everyones essay's for those who have read already.

8:38 PM  
Blogger Sarah D said...

Coffeehouse Reading

Michael~ I understand what everything looks like, great sense of visual descriptions.

Jessica K.~ Great way of showing what is happening, not telling.

Spencer~ Great descriptions of all of the senses and I can feel what you are feeling.

Erin L.~ I loved the hair description when you got off the plane, and the height comment.

Erin G.~ I can feel what you are feeling, great way of showing and connecting
with the reader.

Christine~ I felt the pillows and their texture. Great way of showing your senses.

Nathan~ I liked your description of time, your honesty shows and makes the
piece great.

Jordyn S.~ I liked the way that you described your emotions, I felt what you felt.

Jordon H.~ I could feel the air's temperature when you entered the pool. Great descriptions and feelings, it was very personal.

Monique~ I like that you are so honest, that always makes an essay that much more personal.

Emily L.~ you have great sentences and I could hear what you were explaining.

Kaitlin~ I can feel the transitions from fall to winter which was great.

Mackenzie~ I can see the paint and feel its texture, wonderful.

Dan~ You had a great sense of feeling, I loved your emotions.

Shannon~ I got chills when you described the air pouring into your room, great sense of touch. I like the quote ¡§the moving pictures on the screen,¡¨ was a great way of showing the TV, not just telling about it.

Alyssa~ You had a great sense of sound, and great way of showing your senses and emotions.

Bessie~ I can taste the lemonade, and I can feel where you are, great job.

Amanda~ Your descriptions are outstanding, you got in touch with all of my senses.

Jen~ I liked the way that you showed the backyard as the Amazon jungle; that gave me a great visual.

Jessica M.~ you had a great way of showing the smells in the room, I felt as if I could smell it.

Lauren~ I could feel what you told, and it gave me goose bumps. You had great ways of showing movement and texture, instead of just telling it. your writing is very natural and honest.

Kelly~ You explain things very well and concisely which makes the story upbeat and exciting.

Natalie~ this is my dream vacation! I loved how you described the feeling of being on the ship and all of the surroundings.

Clay~ you had very natural transitions from the story to the memory, although your memory was a little scary.

Sarah P.~ I can feel the memories and you had great descriptions about your neighborhood.

Emilee P~ I enjoyed your way of showing the place, I felt as if I was inside of the room and I felt all of its surroundings.

Megan~ you had a great way of showing your emotions and surroundings, I could see the lake in great detail.

8:40 PM  
Blogger clay w said...

Thanks for the encouragement everybody. Our class pretty much rocks at writing essays. Great job everyone.

8:53 PM  
Blogger Jennifer W said...

Michael- I like how you compared the backyard to yourself and how small you are when in it. In your other essay, i liked the line about the rain splashing.

Jessica K- I like the line, "humidity pressing on me". It was very powerful and created a great image.

Spencer Z- "Pineneedles soft like carpet". Very strong, making something uncomfortable seem amazing.

Erin L- Your line about the height challenged was funny. I like how you mixed in your story about Hong Kong along with talking about your swingset.

Erin G- The beginning, the set up, was very good. I like how it doesn't explain exactly where you are right away. I also loved the line about her minut body.

Christine B- The line, "pillows smell like fresh roses in rain" brought great sensory.

Nathan A- your descriptions were amazing.

Jordyn S- Loved the line about you being on top of the world and the sun knew it.

Jordan H- Good word choice and very descriptive.

Monique R- The line about her being a squirrel was a really good metaphore, i really liked it.

Emily L-The connection between you and your harp was very easy to see with all of your descriptions.

Kait- Love the line about your grandparents being so far away but still have a place in the room

Mackenzie L- your place sounded really good. You made it sound inviting to not only you, but appealing to everyone.

Dan- You made something so simple as the violen, extremely exciting and anxiety riden. You really made it come alive.

Shannon- i liked the line about bubbles floating through your body. Good job.

Alyssa- You made you pink trike stand out alot and make it visible in the readers head.

Bessie- I definitely understood the significance of your place after you finished reading.

Amanda- You used alot of good adjectives. You showed how the basement was like another world. Very cool.

Sarah D- I like how you talked about the dresser as being a sophisticated word. Good use of the senses.

Jessica M- The line about your ceiling being a beautiful mistake really stood out. Good job.

Lauren F- I loved the line about your grandma falling deeper into sleep and how the train was coming closer to you.

Kelly O- You made the senses really come alive, especially taste when you talked about the sour taste of the berries filling your mouth.

Natalie M- The line about the symphony of silence was very cool, it was like everything was loud, yet it couldn't have been quieter.

Clay W- I like how you transitioned from different ages. It really made the essay come alive.

Sara P- You used alot of detail. Good job.

Emilee P- You had very strong images especially when you talked about her stomach tightening.

Megan D- Strong sensory when you talked about the wind whispering in your ear. Good job.

9:00 PM  
Blogger jessicam said...

Jessica K. - You have an amazingly well written essay, with a good balance between each of your different senses.

Spencer - The wording of you essay was fantastic, and really made the essay flow together well.

Erin L. - I really enjoyed the details you added about Hong Kong and the experiences with your family; it made the essay fun to listen to.

Erin G. - You had amazing visual imaging, especially about the animals. I could picture everything you talked about.

Christine B. - I realy enjoyed the line about the scent of your pillow, "wet roses in the rain." It gives not only a recognizably beautiful scent, but also a very good visual image too.

Nathan - I really liked the metaphors and anecdotes that you put throughout your entire essay, it kept it interesting to listen to.

Jordyn S. - The way you described your feelings on the top of the roof were interesting to listen to, and something that I can definetly relate to also. Good job!

Jordan H. - You had really good descrpitions, I liked the visual and the sound the best, when describing the whistles and the children.

Monique R. - I like the uniqueness of your place, the thought of solitude throughout your essay was good too.

Emily L. - I really enjoed the part where you describe how the world falls away when you play your instrument, you wrote it so it was very easy to relate too.

Michael - I like the line where you describe your floor as a comfortable mess, it sums up the feelings of a crowded floor really simply, and yet is the perfect way to describe it.

Kaitlin B. - You have a really good balance of each sense in you essay, which makes it feel like I am actually there.

Mackenzie L. - I really enjoyed the visual images that you described throughout your piece, it made it really enjoyable to listen to.

Dan - The transitions and flow of your essay is amazing, and so are the descriptions throughout it as well. Good job showing, not telling.

Shannon A. - I like the balance you had through your essay of memories and descriptions of your room.

Alyssa - I absolutely loved the way you described everything throughout your essay, and how you had memories throughout it as well.

Bessie - you have really good sounds in you essay, and interesting memories as well.

Amanda N. - I like you details and elements of feelings you have. The way you wrote your essay was fun to listen to and try and picture.

Sarah D. - I can really see exactly what your place looks like! Good job on the descriptions.

Jennifer W. - I like how you incorporate memories and desciptions into your essay, it paints a very even picture.

Lauren - Yu have really good similes and metaphors throughout your entire piece. Good job on those!

Kelly O. - Your visual descriptions were amazing to listen to.

Natalie M. You have a good balance between each sense in your essay, which makes it easily 'come to life' in my mind.

Clay W. - You had great transitions and thoughts throughout your essay, which made it flow together very nicely. Good job!

Sarah P. - Amazing metaphors! They made the whole essay easy and fun to connect to.

Emilee P. - I really liked the perspective that you wrote your paper in. It made it unique! The descriptions were also very good.

Megan D. - I really enjoyed your descriptions throughout you essay. They were constant and flowed together very well.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Natalie M said...

MY COMMENTS

Slappy: good job bringing pieces of you into your writing, like things you like to do, movies you like to watch, and books you like to read. Much better than the last one.

Jessica K: great scenes! You really put the listener in your place and they feel as if they are experiencing what your words are describing.

Spencer: good job describing yourself. I like the roses – you can almost smell them!! Good voice! If you weren’t reading it I would be able to tell who wrote it.

Erin L: good senses, but you could refrain from saying I taste, I hear, I feel, I see. Use other words to describe the senses. You need to describe your emotions. I don’t know how you feel. I like the “height challenged part” overall good memories

Erin G: I like how you tell it like a story. It flows nicely! It’s almost as if you place yourself an animal figure. Your essay taps into your senses really well

Christine: I like how you describe your room and then tell stories about it. Good ending!

Nathan: good meat analogy. You do a good job bringing the stories back to your shed

Jordyn: I just love your essay! Good way to begin.

Jordan H: you describe the setting really well and I can picture everything you are talking about. You describe the little things that in regular writing you don’t usually notice. I like your essay a lot.

Monique: you were very truthful! I liked how you described the differences of your 3 bathrooms but tied them together with similarities.

Emily: You describe the setting well. I can envision just where you are and I can see your facial expressions. You pull the reader in and you convey your feelings really well

Caitlin: good senses! You describe sight, sound, and touch really well

Mackenzie: I liked the stories you brought into the essay. It makes it come alive. You describe your imagination and thoughts very well.

Dan: good similes! I liked how you started 2 hrs before your concert and then ended the paper after the concert was over. Overall good job.

Shannon: good job describing your room. I like how you tell stories about the memories that come out of the pictures.

Alyssa: remembering your childhood is a great way to describe your place. I like the senses you incorporated into the picnic and the summer.

Bessie: I liked the stories you tied in to your writing. Good job painting a picture of the soccer game

Amanda: good analogies. You describe every detail very well.

Sarah D: I feel like I am sitting in your room looking at the walls and I can feel the cool air. You describe it very well.

Jessica W. I like how you compared your backyard to the Amazon. Good job describing your experiences in your backyard in different seasons.

Jessica M: you describe your room very well and I can feel the senses you are describing

Lor Lor: AMAZING! What can I say you’re just amazing. I like “the texture of elephants” and you describe your grandmother very well.

Kelly: I like the “bull’s eye” analogy. You make it sound like so much fun, and I like how you transition the tree with different seasons of your life.

Todd (Clayton): I like how you describe what happened to you from your perspective and a narrator’s perspective. It really completes your paper.

Sarah P: I like how you described your neighborhood in all different kinds of weather.

Emilee P: I like how you incorporated someone else not just yourself into your essay. It makes it a lot more interesting.

Megan D: good job describing winter. That is exactly how winter feels

9:55 AM  
Blogger nathan a said...

Chris: good descriptions of power

Ryan: good dog metaphor

Jordan L: great portraying your place as an escape

Kyle: good descriptions of how pleasant your memories are

10:04 AM  
Blogger Kelly O said...

Chris- great imagery, you described the different sounds wonderfully!

Ryan– I loved your metaphor about the glass of water about to topple over. I get a little worried while driving on cliffs too

Jordan L– great job transitioning from the present to the past

Kyle– I could really tell how much the house meant to you, great sense of emotion

10:06 AM  
Blogger emilee p said...

Chris- great use of images, I really like the description of your cabin.

Ryan- great description of the road, I can the it winding, Great Job

Jordan L.- Great job describing the hot vs. the cold I can really feel it.

Kyle- good job telling about your childhood memories, good visual images

10:14 AM  
Blogger Monique R said...

Chris: Good intro, and great calming descriptions

Ryan: I liked your metaphor about your stomach knotting up like a dysfunctional yoyo.

Jordan L: Yum, the smell of mango is amazing. Good description of your senses.

Kyle: Good job incorporating the future into your essay.

10:17 AM  
Blogger Natalie M said...

MY COMMENTS

Chris: I liked how you described the trees and the other surroundings. They came alive. Good job!

Ryan: good analogy about searching for the barn like a dog. I liked how you described the road and all the memories it had.

Jordan L: good senses and you really pull the reader in.

Kyle: I like how you gave background information. Great way to start your essay. You make the reader want to read more.

10:17 AM  
Blogger Lauren F. said...

Here are the rest of my comments...
Chris b
I like the comparison of the pine needles and the water droplets. You also described the scent of the mountains very well

Ryan
The word choice of home away from home is very interesting, and you made it seem real in my mind

Jordan L
I like the sweat beads and I can almost smell the mango from your air freshener.

Kyle N
Good how your described the memories of being best friends and that they will always be memories to you

10:17 AM  
Blogger Chris B said...

Michael- The description of your room makes it sound like a pretty cool place.

Jess K- I like the description you use of the sea, it really brings the reader into the story

Spencer- I like the subtle rhyme scheme at times and the descriptions are really good. The way you read it also makes it sound really good with the emotion in your voice.

Erin L.- I like the giant among doors part and the height challenged part, that was funny.

Erin G.- I like the word prime evil, it has a good wow factor. I like the use of the word captivating.

Christine- hole in the wall! Haha good humor

Nathan- It was pretty good, the sentence structure isn’t to shabby.

Jordyn S - EPIC! You are quite a good writer and should write more and read more.

Jordyn H.- You have a way of getting the reader to picture what you are describing.

Monique- That was good, the bathroom is a good place to write about.

Emily L.- I like the description of all the instruments and sounds

Kaitlin- I like the sentence variety you use because it makes it not boring and enjoyable to read/hear.

Mackenzi L.- The bridge sounds like it holds a lot of memories, good use of words.

Dan- The way you word things really brings the reader into the story.

Shannon- I liked it, especially the description of your desk.

Alyssa- I like the descriptions you used for Steve, they were good

Bessie- Good job, it drew the reader in.

Amanda- Good use of adjectives

Sarah D.- Good job, I liked the description of the orange bed frame.

J-Wide- I liked how you said that your backyard was like an Amazon

Jessica M.- You also used really good adjectives, very good job

Lauren- I like how you talked about the different sides of your body and how one was warm and the other was cold it was really good description.

Kelly- I like the description of the berries, good job!

Natalie- The way you described the vacation makes it sound really fun and now I really want go on a cruise.

Clayton- “The maze called memory.” GOOD LINE! Good time stuff

Sarah- YUM! I like pop tarts. Ha ha about the cops

Emilee P- I like the description of the room and the nails coming down from the ceiling

Megan- Good job, I liked the sentence varietry.

Ryan- Good job, mine was about the mountains too

Jordan- I liked it. It drew the reader in

Kyle- Good job, cool house

10:18 AM  
Blogger Spencer Z said...

Chris B
• I really liked the description of the horse and all of the other animals. It gave life to your already strong essay

Ryan F
• The idea that the mountain house can change “nothing into something” was an incredible thought and very powerful.

Alyssa Gafvert
• Nice essay! Your imagery was extremely powerful and well-described.

Jordan L
• Your description of the release is really incredible especially as you describe it with powerful metaphors

Meghan D
• Your writing is so strong! Always have confidence in the high quality of your abilities

Emilee P
• Your 3rd person view was unique and amazing. It added a lot to your essay. I loved the line about your hiding place and finding place.

Kyle N
• An interesting choice for your place; I would have liked to have heard more, but it was well-crafted.

Kristin K
• The anecdotes in your writing add a lot of character to it. Also, your description of Jack was really striking.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Kyle N said...

Coffeehouse reading

Slappy
- great showing of the total and complete emotion that is in the garage while the band plays

Jessica k
- great vocabulary and use of colorful verbs

spencer
- good the way the piece flowed and had so much character to it

erin l
- great showing of taste, esp. with the hamburgers

erin g
- good emotion and heart

Christine
- funny anecdote about how you kicked a hole in the wall

Nathan
- good analogies with the past

jorydan s
- great verb choice

Jordan h
- good humor, esp with the colts part

Monique
- good sentence variety and interesting place

Emily L
- good use of metapors to enhance story

katalin b
- good voice and heart throughout piece

mckenzie l
- good sentatnce fluency and variation

dan H
- wow, great voice, I could almost feel where you were just from listening

Shannon A
- simple word choice, yet that enhances the piece at the same time

Alyssa g
- great description of street and how you felt safe there

Bessie
- wow! That was great telling for that piece

Amanda
- great “field of golden sunflowers” analogies

sarah d
- good description of exactly what the bears looked like

jen w
- wow! Amazing showing of your backyard, from the smell of the place to when you stepped on the nail

Jessica moon
- good transitions from describing one thing to describing aother

laur laur
- good ise of flashbacks in order to enchance the showing of the place

Kelly
- great how you show the emotion that came with the berry wars

Natalie
- good how you tell of the sea through all five of your senses

clay
- I can almost feel the pain of when you got your concussion. Great showing

Sarah p
- great description of your “treacherous” streets

Emilee p
- I can almost feel the fear of falling the girl had just from listening

Megan d
- wow great description of the blanket

Chris b
- great use of sentence variety

ryan F
- you painted a very vivid picture of your place, great job

Jordan l
- you touched on sense of smell brilliantly, esp with the part about the smell filling your nose

kakos
- great the way you used time to enhance the story but going to the past then jumping back to the present

10:18 AM  
Blogger clay w said...

Bergy Berg: I love the detail you catch from nature. Most people would never notice the things that you emphasize.

Fergy Ferg: “nothing becomes something at my mountain house.” I like that line. Even when there’s nothing there, it seems better there. That’s cool.

Jordan L.: Cars do have a knack for giving people a sense of power. Careful with that! Great job describing the car though.

Guns: It’s cool that you have such a great place to link your childhood memories to. Awesome job expressing the emotion that surrounds that house.

Kakos: Creepy! Amazing story.

10:18 AM  
Blogger EmilyL said...

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10:18 AM  
Blogger Jessica K said...

Chris-Your description of your cabin reminds me of mine. It made me wish that I was there.

Ryan-I love how you describe your favorite place by taking us all for a drive to the farm.
Sounds like a lot of fun.

Jordan L.-That is such a great idea to pick your car for your place. Good job showing us your joy for driving.

Kyle-Great job describing the feelings and experiences you’ve had at Dikemen’s house.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Sarah D said...

Chris~ I like your way of describing the animals and your surroundings, you had a great way of showing where you were.

Ryan~ you had great ways of showing how you felt and your nervousness.

Jordan L.~ you had a great way of telling how hot it was and the way that you feel.

Kyle~ you are very passionate about your memories and honesty makes the story very good.

10:19 AM  
Blogger shannon a said...

Chris – I love how you went into detail about what the river sounds like and you had very strong word choice. You had a very engaging story.

Ryan – The imagery of you place is very good. I like how you make it your second home and how you feel at peace there. Very good!

Jordan L. – I like how you described how your emotional feeling of being tired took a physical effect on you. I like how the slightest thing as air brings you back to reality and you can get back to your thoughts.

Kyle – Awww I miss Dikeman’s house too! Good word choice.

Kakos – I love how you keep coming back to fear as if that is what is making you do these actions. You had great word choice and the way you described your feelings and the physical effect it took on you.

10:19 AM  
Blogger Milt G said...

S. Danger Zepelin: I thought it was very good, but I think that the language used, some words that I did not understand, takes away from the message. I think that, had simpler language been used, the message would have been much stronger.

E-Lamb- The images are very good, I can really see all the places described. Especially Hong Kong, and the plane on the way there was very real to me because she seemed to hit on the head exactly the way a plane feels, smells, looks, and tastes.

Jordyn- I really felt like I was there.

Jordan Hunt- When you described the water in your ear, it made me want to shake my head and get water out of my ear.

Monique Rodriguez- good work, I like your bathroom

Emily Levin- this story makes me want to hear you play harp again!

Tyrique- nice work, I really like the books used, because they are some sick books!

Kaitlin Bast- good work Kaitlin, it made me want to see you room

Mak L- I would like to go to this place and see what it is that makes the bridge so special to you.

Dan Huh- you rock my world! I wish I could hear you play violin, it sounds like you’re a boss!

Shannon Adler- I would like to smell the flowers and candle in your room. I could smell the ocean as you described the ocean breeze candle.

Alyssa Gafvert- I would like to meet your godfather who is your “santa claus”

Sarah Downs- I would like to see the bears, and what movies you have

Jennifer- it sounds like you really enjoy your yard, and mowing your lawn.

Jessica M- it seems like your room means a lot to you, and that you’ve done a lot to make it something that is important to you

Lauren- you’re grandma sounds like a sweet old lady, it makes me want to meet her

Nat Marg. - you make me feel like a cruise would be the sweetest thing ever!

Sarah P. - I’ve been to your street, and you described it in a way I never thought of before! BRAVO!!!!
E-Prado- it is really cool how you used the third person. It seems like you are a total stranger to the person you’re describing, but it’s YOU! Crazy dude! Crazy!

Chris Bergyhoff- I wander where this place is. It seems like it is pretty sweet!T

10:19 AM  
Blogger Sarah P said...

24.Chris B: “The only sound that can be herd is the sound of utter and complete silence.” I love this because I like how you contradict yourself, it makes the reader or listener pay attention and think about what you are saying.

25.Ryan: “The tangled string of a dysfunctional yo-yo” “making my nausea come to life like Pinocchio.” I love the similes that you use!

26.Jordan L: Your story is very personal, which engages the people who are listening because we never know what is going to come next!

27.Kyle N: Your piece is very original it sounds like you are going to go into a lot of old memories! It makes me want you to keep reading

28.Mrs. Kakos: I love how you go back and forth in between memories and the “present,” they are like stories inside stories. It intrigues the reader and some how all of the stories and memories tie together!

10:19 AM  
Blogger christine b. said...

Chris B- I love how you can hear the river and see the smoke- gives it a calming feeling. I love how you focus on the birds- makes the story engaging

Ryan F- I love the imagery of your place, especially with the idea of reality disappearing. I love how you explain your eyes “searching like a homeless dog!”

Jordan L- I love how you describe your tired eyes and the steering wheel giving you power over everything. I love how the cool air through the air vents brings you back to reality from straying thoughts of your friends.

Kyle N- I like your place- you show your feelings toward it very well!

Kakos- I love how you describe the fear you had after each terrifying experience. I love how you describe your mother’s experience and how you take the reader there with you. The story was really engaging! You had great details and did not go overboard with itor include too much fluff!

10:19 AM  
Blogger Alyssag said...

28. Chris B.
• “The dew dripping rhythmically” you did a great job of making me hear and see your place. I really liked it, and I want to go up to the mountains now!

29. Ryan
• “Tangled string like a dysfunctional yoyo.” That was a really cool visual! You did a really great job of using your senses and emotion.

30. Jordan L.
• I loved how you described the smell of the air freshener! “The hot air triggers days of the cold winter.” I really like how you said this. Nice piece!

31. Kyle N.
• I love how you really showed your emotional attachment to Dikemans house. I like how you said it was what you thought of when childhood came to mind.

32. Kakos
• I really like how you made your story a sort of gothic theme of selling your sole. The description of the nickel pressing your mothers eyes, and spine was really cool!

10:19 AM  
Blogger Jordyn S said...

Chris B
-Grabbing intro, good use of imagery.

Ryan F
-I like how you compare your stomach to a yo-yo; I also like the comfort you find at the end when you say that your home away from home is never far away.

Jordan L
-Very original, unique perspective, not just a room with emotional connections, but something that physically takes you somewhere.

Kyle N
-Way to tie in your old memories, your tone really emphasizes how much you miss it.

10:20 AM  
Blogger mackenzieL said...

Ryan: Good word choice and use of metaphors!

Jordan L: I loved how you went from your memories to the present so easily! I liked the details of your car and how you described the shadows of your memories.

Kyle: I liked your descriptions about this house and what it means to you.

10:20 AM  
Blogger erinl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:20 AM  
Blogger erinl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:20 AM  
Blogger erinl said...

Chris- the descriptions of the smell of the mountain and the sounds of the birds made your story come to life.

Ryan- the Pinocchio metaphor really showed how you were feeling; great visual description

Jordan L.- the mango air freshener smell, the “scorching hot seats” in the summer, and in the winter coolness really brought the story to life

Kyle- the memories of old best friend and how you will never forget that place because of all the memories of the childhood

Kakos- the notion that you were adopted when you’re mother would not protect you from the aliens; the nickel and what it symbolized. I really liked the story; it definitely held my attention.

10:20 AM  
Blogger erinl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:20 AM  
Blogger JordanL said...

*Chris- I like the way to described the birds in the morning and them feeding their young.

*Ryan- I like the way you talked about your stomach being in a knot like a yoyo. I also like the way you talk about the road and how windy and curvy it is.

*Kyle- This reminds me of my friends house. I remember when you and Eric were buddies in elementary school. I also like how you will always remember that place no matter where you are.

10:21 AM  
Blogger EmilyL said...

Chris
I love your descriptions of the dew in the morning and the sound of the water. You did a nice job placing the setting into the mountains.



Ryan
Good job- you described the perilous journey with close attention to detail and drew the reader into the trip.

Jordan L.
You did a great job of showing not telling-especially when describing your tension and exhaustion. I like how your car transformed into a vehicle for memories.

Guns
You had a good opening first sentence, and I like how you described the special memories of the house and neighborhood.

Kakos
I loved the humor in your story, and you drew the reader into your mind and past. The eeriness of the story was wonderful.

10:22 AM  
Blogger kaitlinb said...

Chris- You made your room feel homey and i could feel it.

Ryan- Your metaphors were brillant and it was a fun place

Jordan- I can see you driving and smell the mango

Kakos- Your story was so good and it kept me wanting to hear the next part

10:22 AM  
Blogger jessicam said...

Chris - Your essay is very descriptive and the way you worded everything made it fun to listen to.

Ryan - I like how you describe how you got to the place, not just about the place.

Jordan L. - I like your place, it's very unique and you describe your feelings well, making it easy to connect to.

Kyle - Your thoughts are very real and genuine. Good job!

Kakos! - I like the uniqueness in which you describe each memory and detail. The whole story was interesting to listen to and very genuine.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Jennifer W said...

Chris B- Your line about dew dripping rhythmicly really grasped the concept and made it sound so real.

Ryan Ferguson- "Come to life like Pinnochio". I like this line alot. It was relevant and you took another source and compared it. Good job.

Jordan L- "Red light dance parties" you made the car sound like so much fun and alot more than just something to take you places.

Kyle N- Good job. made it sound life like.

10:22 AM  
Blogger BessieS said...

Chris- Great images! I liked when you talked about the fish jumping out of the water and captured beauty of nature very well.

Ryan- I liked the metaphor about your eyes searching like homeless dog.

Jordan L.- Nice transitions between past and present. You captured many images very vividly.

Kyle- Great sense of emotion, I liked how you referenced the future and the past.

10:23 AM  
Blogger J Hunt said...

Bergy - I loved your word usage. It really painted a picture and then made the picture come alive. The way you described it was very clear too

10:23 AM  
Blogger Erin G said...

Chirs- Very descriptive. I liked the metaphor about the bird diving to find food.

Ryan- Really nice metaphors and similes. You had creative and original writing.

Jordan L- Creative place to write about. I liked the memories you included and they show how your car "is there" through all of your good and bad times.

Kyle- Cool place. I liked the memories that you included and the look into the future and having to leave your place.

10:24 AM  
Blogger ryan f said...

1. Michael
• You added great comic relief at times when I don’t think you meant to, which really made your essay personal and very good.
2. Jessica K.
• That was an amazing piece of work. I can see the water dropping off of your hair.
3. Spencer
• You really related it back to me when you described how it wasn’t a special place to anyone but you, which is the way most people probably feel when they enter their special comfort zone
4. Erin L.
• You really made me want the summer to come so bad, you did a great job describing the amazing feeling of summer
5. Erin G.
• I really like how you said you felt alone in the middle of suburbia, it was a great metaphor
6. Christine B.
• You did a really good job of describing your room, I felt as though I was standing in your room seeing everything happen, you did a very good showing the feeling you get from your room
7. Nathan
• You did a great job describing the shed and how much it meant to you when you were younger. You had a very good righting style
8. Jordyn
• You did such an amazing job describing your favorite place. You have such a powerful writing voice and it really showed in your essay
9. Jordan
• After editing your essay, I can really see how you added your personal voice. It sounds very good and personal
10. Monique
• Your honesty about having the bathroom being one of your favorite places truly made this a very personal and well written essay, good job!
11. Emily L.
• Your writing is truly AMAZING, it isn’t fair. Although I have never related to musical rehearsals, you made feel like I was there and like I knew exactly what was going on.
12. Kaitlin
• You had some very good descriptions, my favorite was the one about the feeling of the pine needles that fade through your hands like forgotten years
13. Mackenzie L.
• The description of traveling to another CO was a really good metaphor to how you feel about going down the “path”
14. Dan H.

15. Shannon A.
• I feel the sadness and loneliness in your writing when you describe the absence
16. Alyssa
• When you described is voice like thunder, all of the descriptions matched perfect to both the thunder and a comforting voice. Very Good, similies.
17. Bessie
• I love your description of summer, it makes me really want to be there, which compliments your descriptions
18. Amanda N.
• That was AMAZING!! I was completely taken in by your writing and couldn’t even thinkkof comments as you spoke
19. Sarah D.
• Your description of your room was really detailed. I can tell you really like to be there
20. Jen W.
• Although your essay was more about your old house, I can really see memories about your brother , which I think really makes your house special
21. Jessica M.
• I have never gotten to read your writing but I can really see your great style through your unique and amazing metaphors
22. Lauren F.
• You had some very good metaphors, I really liked the one about your hair on your arm compared to a wheat field in the winter
23. Kelly O.
• What were you talking about, Kelly, that was so good and you told me that it wasn’t?! I loved your connection to the tree and everything it was to you
24. Natalie M.
• That was a very good description of the cruise; you made me want to be there.
25. Clay W.
• I love Sunspot! What a great place to describe, and you did an excellent job with all of the emotion in the essay
26. Sarah P.
• I can really hear your personal voice and I think that made East Easter Place come alive.
27. Emilee P.
• I love the how the character was “she” and not “I”, Your writing was amazing and very descriptive and appealing to the senses
28. Megan D.
• After already hearing it once, I was still completely engaging and had great colorful descriptions
29. Chris
• I really liked how you described your mountain house’s layout, it made it very interesting and really personal
30. Jordan L.
• You told me your essay wasn’t good but you lied, it was so good and your writing style made it very intriguing
31. Kyle
• I thought it was very cool that you were able to use your friends house as your favorite place, it was very personal and really good.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Anoel said...

Chris-I like the story and the bullet metapor.

Ryan-I love the dysfunctional yo yo. You have very cool, unique metaphors.

Jordan L- I like the conversation piece.

Kyle- I like your place, it is very unique.

10:31 AM  
Blogger Ms. Kakos said...

The feedback that all of you have given to each other is impressive! I think that writing is a bit of a dance between the little details and the larger picture, and you reflect on both with grace and precision.

Also, a special thank you to those of you who commented on my story. I certainly didn't expect you to, but it was great to read. I have to admit that I suddenly felt nervous while reading my story, which is strange because I stand in front of you and talk to you every single day. I think reading your own memoir makes you vulernable, but it's good for you somehow. Anyway, thanks for listening. It's an honor to share a little piece of myself with you.

11:39 AM  
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6:37 AM  

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