Essay of Place Feedback
As/after you listen to each of your classmates read his or her essay of place, please share your positive feedback by posting a comment on this blog. Be sure to include the name of the person whose essay of place you're addressing, as well as the SPECIFIC comment you'd like to offer them. This is not a space for editing or critique; this a space to reveal what you found powerful, original, or otherwise interesting about each piece.
posted by Kristin L | 9:25 AM
40 Comments:
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Michael- I liked when you talked about the rain adding its own music to your song, it created a clear image in my mind.
Jessica K.- I loved how you described the feeling of being at the ocean. Your images were so clear and very well described I felt as if I was there.
Spencer- I liked how you compared the leaves comfort to your mother’s voice. I also liked when you said, “I just am.” That was so simple but yet very powerful.
Erin L.- I liked how you described how you could hear other people’s conversations but they did not even know that you were there.
Erin G.- Great description of natures simple beauty. It was disappointing but so true when you said that the place may someday be forgotten.
Christine- I thought that it was funny how you kicked a hole in your wall and that the hole is still there to preserve this memory. Also I liked how you described the feeling as “bubbles of laughter” when you look at the picture of apples on the house.
Nathan- You picked an interesting place to write about but I thought describing it as a “gateway to bliss” was very interesting and unique.
Jordyn S.- When you said that you had a fear of heights but that sitting on the roof did not bother you I thought that it was a terrific way to show how much the roof means to you.
Slappy
• Intriguing set of metaphors, they were very creative and added a lot to your story.
Jessica K
• Vivid imagery, I really felt like I was there with you at the ocean. You had great word choice, and I was extremely impressed with your
Erin L
• You used a great variety of senses making your essay extremely entertaining.
Erin G
• Your essay was amazing! You had extremely strong imagery and powerful metaphors.
Christine B
• Sweet stories! They really added a lot to your story and helped me get how you felt about the place.
Nathan A
• Very powerful and deep metaphors. Your essay was wonderfully creative and unique.
Jordyn S
• Extreme attention to your objective details, I felt like I could see through your eyes. Never compromise your astounding creative talent.
Jordan H
• A complete and deep description, I felt like I was there. I’ll bet you spent a lot of time on it.
Monique R
• I was impressed with how honest you were with yourself. Your writing was deep and courageous.
Emily L
• You had really great word choice and paid amazing attention to the detail of the concert hall.
Kait B
• You have a great message behind your writing; it sounded wonderful! Your editor must have been really attractive!
Kenzie L
• You had a marvelous mix of description and emotion!
Dan Huh?
• It was impressive how you turned the violin into a character. I felt like I was standing in your shoes playing.
Shannon A
• Tying together images and emotions made your essay really powerful!
Bessie S
• You did an amazing job of catching the wonder and impermanence of childhood.
Amanda
• Your metaphors were so strong and added so much to your essay. The word choice and attention to detail made me feel as though I was there. The waltz with your memories was especially powerful.
Sarah D
• The images of the bears were really strong and you conveyed so much emotion through them!
J-Weid
• I really loved the part about mowing your lawn. I could see it really vividly. I almost watched your journey through childhood.
Jessica M
• I loved how you described the feelings associated with all of the objects in your room; it added tremendous depth and honesty to your essay.
Lauren F
• All the metaphors about your grandmother made her remarkably clear and defined!
Kelly Oliver
• It reminded me of the giving tree, how the use of the tree changes over time, but it is always important to you.
Natalie M
• I loved the bittersweet taste of the emotion. You had a very strong word choice and an impressive array of senses.
Clayton W
• Your essay really came together! It was cohesive without loosing any of the depth and imagery that your rough draft had!
Sarah P
• You had a powerful and unique opening and did a great job describing the different facets of your street
Jordan: Your metaphors really created a good picture. I understand everything you are doing while you are there.
Monique: The color and feel of the bathroom really jump out to me.
Emily L: The sounds really stood out and made your piece unique. It really makes a picture of your experience.
Michael: Your experience really shows through your paper, and your memories are clear.
Jordyn S: You did a good job of showing your emotions instead of telling them.
Christine: Your descriptions really brought it to life.
Kaitlin B: You did a great job of telling the story and incorporating metaphors.
Mackenzie: I liked the way you described when you were standing in the snow, the colors, and the feelings.
Dan: I like the way you described the locker you have. It seemed real.
Shannon: The way you describe your desk really gives a visual picture of what it looks like. I can also understand what you feel when you look at the desk.
Alyssa: I can really hear the sound of the conversation and laughter. Your description of the man is really detailed.
Bessie: I got the feel of how much you enjoy going to this place and why you like it there.
Amanda: You show what you are feeling really well. You can tell when you are tired, happy, or calm without even saying anything.
Sarah D: I could see room that you were describing; there were lots of pictures in your story.
Jen: I liked the way you described the yard that you were in, the swing set and the lawn, the deck and the lawnmower.
Jessica M: I liked the way you described the children laughing.
Lauren: I liked the way you described the warm feeling you get when you are with your grandma.
Kelly: I like how you described all the different ways you saw the tree, everything you used it for. I liked how you described it as something to protect you.
Natalie: The ship seems very real, and you did a really good job of using all five senses to describe your experiences.
Clay: I liked how you described the jump and what you were feeling as you went off this jump.
Coffeehouse reading
Michael (redo)- good description of your bedroom, sounds realistic
Jessica K. – I love your portrayal of the ocean at the beginning of the story!! Great Job!!
Spencer- Good Job!!!! Great use of metaphors, I can feel like I am in your memory it is very vivid.
Erin L.- your memory is very interesting, from your swing set to Hong Kong, it is extremely well written.
Erin G.- good job! I like your description of the animals and nature around you, your essay is very clear tuned into your senses.
Christine- great description using your senses! I like the story of the hole in your wall.
Nathan- interesting of your shed, good job producing visible images.
Jordyn S. - I enjoy the feeling you display when you are on the roof, I like how others can relate.
Jordan H. - I really like your description of the rec center as you enter it, I can really smell the chlorine, it is very realistic.
Monique- Good visual descriptions of your bathroom, this is a unique story!!
Emily- very melodic story!! I can tell you really love music.
Kaitlin- Beautifully written, your memories sound comforting and warm
Kenzie- I like the picture you present of a snowy day on the bridge, great job!!
Dan- Good job. I can really feel your nervousness as you are starting to play the violin.
Shannon- I can feel the chill in your room, and how much you miss your sister, good job using emotion.
Alyssa- Great opening sentence! It really draws the reader into the story.
Bessie- beautifully written, you display a sense of freedom though your description of your summer adventures.
Amanda- Very nice introduction to your essay it is very expressive and catches the reader’s attention
Sarah D. - Very vivid description of your room, I can really feel like I am there, Great story!!
Jen- I like your bright portrayal of your back yard and childhood memories, good job!
Jessica M.- very vivid story, I like how you take the readers through your childhood.
Lauren- good sense of smell at the beginning of your story, I like your memory of your grandma.
Kelly- I like how your tree “changes” to fit your imagination, good job
Natalie- I like how vividly you describe the cruise, even people who have never been on one can see it.
Clay- Good visual description of snowboarding, great story
Sarah P.- good story, funny, and clearly depicted great job
Me-
Meagan- I like your depiction of the lake, great visual images.
Jessica K
…”a liquid abyss”.
I tasted the salt, felt the sun and was transported to the beach. Wonderful job with your use of the senses.
Spencer
“…I just am…still can see the giants [Don Quixote].” Brilliant connection between the past and the present, especially the use of present tense to describe something that happened years ago.
Erin Lamb
“tree that loves to be climbed.” Reminds me of my backyard when I was little. Good connection between the current and your trip to Hong Kong. I like how you incorporated tastes.
Erin G.
I like how the rest of the world fades away as you describe listening to the squirrels and birds. Good connection with nature/animals.
Christine
“tickling my face as I lay down.” Your story of kicking the wall was humorous. I like the stories that you have connected to various objects to your room.
Nathan
“you can hear a muffled silence.” I like how you personified the roof top and made it seem an enticer. The parts about the dark hole and the ideas of untamed rodents living in darkness were well written.
Jordyn S.
“hardly find the line between reality and make-believe.” The sounds alone were enough to give me a picture- really nice job. Your descriptions became a story.
Jordan H.
I like the sensitivity to smell and touch. Good descriptions. You put the reader into the rec center; I was there alongside of the lifeguards.
Monique
“area that provides a sanctuary.” I love the attention to the colors in the bathroom, and the sense of peace it gives you.
Slappy
“Allowed me a safe but brief transport to another time.” I like the sense of comfort you described-especially with Pete the dog.
Kaitlin
You change your room into a rustic, rural cabin in the mountains. I can see the mountains and smell the pine. Beautiful job with your descriptions.
Mackenzie
“The bridge has no time.” I love your descriptions of nature. It is beautiful and entrancing - love the story of pooh-sticks.
Huh?
I love the contrast between the expansive stage and the crowded halls of backstage, especially after experiencing it myself. Really nice job.
Shannon
I like the memories of you and your sister laughing, and how you describe how you miss her.
Alyssa
“sort of like my Santa Claus.” I like your descriptions of your god-father, especially your delight and excitement. Good descriptions of the water from the fire hose.
Bessie
“I feel free…it is at times like these when I feel most like myself.” I like your descriptions of running and playing in the summer heat, and the change from the summer to school. Nice job fusing the two.
Amanda
“…my symphony ends abruptly…” I like how you connect the colors and physical aspects of the room into memories, places, and ideas. I also like how you describe descending into the basement, and your memories of playing make-believe. Good connection between your child and your current self.
Sarah D.
I like your attention to the details of your room, and the story behind your bears. The mix of colors created an image of a distinctly unique place.
Jen
“Amazon-like world.” I like the depiction of your family and its connection to the back yard, and how it was an intricate part of your everyday life. The story of your brother was entertaining.
Jessica M.
“It is crowded with candles to fuel my fire obsession.” I love your attention to detail in your room, and you addressed the five senses in a realistic and interesting way. I felt that I was in your room.
Lauren F.
“I listen to the wisdom of life that comes out of her.” I like how you described your relationship with your grandmother-especially the sense of smell and touch. I could feel the warmth.
Kelly
I like the contrast between the burning concrete and the warm grass. The description of the berry war and the gymnasts-reminds me of my own Olympic games when I was younger. I like how the tree was always there, but had so many different uses.
Natalie M.
I like your attention to the feel of the wind on your face, sailing through the water. I could see the cruise ship. “a symphony of silence.” Good descriptions of the lights flickering goodbye-
Clay
I like the memory of the collision with the man, especially the lapse in memory. An element of the mysterious with the jump-off, and of the friendliness of the trees were really neat. Good description of the powder and snow.
Sarah P.
I like your attempts to traverse the gushing water after the rainfall. Good description of the pop-tarts and the white trash chairs. I really liked your memories and the street during various weather events.
Emilee Prado
It was unusual to use third-person, but I really liked it! “the fear of darkness never entered her mind.” I like the idea of the secret room, keeping you safe and secure; even in darkness. I don’t think that you revealed exactly where you secret room was-that was intriguing.
Megan D.
“The lake stretched out as far as the horizon.” I liked your description of the cold sand and the depiction of the dying fire.
1. Michael Hewitt
• Great opening sentence. It is really powerful, and captures your feelings right off of the bat. I love how you admit that Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings comfort you haha.
2. Jessica Kelm
• “My thoughts and worries drip like the sea”-that’s awesome! You have great descriptions!
3. Spencer Z.
• You have such an amazing vocabulary and sentence variety that makes your writing so engaging!
4. Erin Lamb
• “Hong Kong smelled like a Chinese restaurant” “The Chinese people were even more height challenged than me.”-you are an extremely funny writer!!
5. Erin G.
• I love how you seem so intact with nature by the way that you described your relationship with it. Awesome essay!
6. Christine B.
• I like how you included specific experiences that happened in your room. The story about your wall was really funny!
7. Nathan
• ‘I felt like a piece of rosin…” That sentence was really cool! There were lots of really beautiful descriptions of the shed.
8. Jordan S.
• Don’t be nervous! You are an amazing writer with a great vocabulary! I loved the description of fall.
9. Jordan Hunt
• “Rotunda”-nice word! I love how you described the kids dashing to the water like animals. I can totally see that haha.
10. Monique
• I love your opening sentence. You really surprised us when you said that you spent the majority of time in the bathroom! That was super funny!
11. Emily L.
• You really captured your emotions of your first rehearsal! I loved how you said that you wanted to back peddle back through the door.
12. Kaitlin Bast
• You have amazing sentence fluency and variety! That was really beautiful!
13. Mackenzie
• I really like how you went through and described it in different seasons. “Icy palace”, “brilliant yellows in the fall”. I can see and feel your attachment to this place. Great job!
14. Dan
• “I was lost in the abdomen…” That is such an awesome image! I noticed you used body parts to make an image of your place. That is interesting.
15. Shannon
• I think you really captured your lonely feeling of your sister being gone by describing your room as cold and your dresser chipped. That was really cool.
16. Bessie
• “Dries the pebbles of swear running down my face”-cool visual.
17. Amanda
• I love your voice when you read. It is so calming and expressive! “my body is swallowed into its massiveness.” I like this sentence! “I waltz with my memories, we dance and turn”-awesome metaphor.
18. Sarah D.
• “The bears where soft like rose pedals in the spring” nice description!
19. Jennifer
• Ouch!! Description of nail in your foot captured me and made me feel it! You did a great job of showing your emotional attachment to your place by telling lots of stories and experiences that happened there.
20. Jessica M.
• Opening sentence was killer! I loved how you described your pieces of memories were scattered everywhere including shredded up in the trash.
21. Lauren
• You are a really amazing writer. You wrote some really beautiful descriptions of your grandmother. I liked the one where you compared her arms folded to a butterfly.
22. Kelly
• I love the visual of you laying in the tree like a hammock. I can totally see you in the tree hidden and spying on the cars. Haha. I really like how your place is in a tree because it’s unique.
23. Natalie
• “exuberating” nice word!! I really like the visual of you looking at the flickering lights on the shore. Overall, you did a great job of describing the ship.
24. Clay
• “My mind is wondering aimlessly through the maze called memory”-wow. I can really see you jumping off of the cliff and I can hear you screaming haha it makes me laugh! Awesome story!
25. Sarah P.
• You are such a hilarious person, and it really shows in your writing. “white trash” wow that’s so funny!! Awesome essay Sep!
26. Emilee P.
• I really like how you wrote from the third person perspective (I think its called third person)… It made the essay unique. You have great descriptions and sentence fluency!
27. Megan
• “My stomach did small somersaults…”-nice show of emotion! I want to go to your place now!! I really liked your essay!
Michael-Good job showing us your memories that you have had in your room. I also liked the part about your bookcase.
Spencer-I love your metaphors and word choice when you describe your escape from suburbia. It flowed perfectly and sounded amazing.
Erin L.-I could really see myself in the backyard. You made me laugh too at the part about Hong Kong!
Erin G.-I really liked your memory about Flicker! You did a great job showing not telling.
Christine-Your room made me feel the same way for my room and I loved the memory about the hole in the wall.
Nathan-You did a great job showing the senses and incorporating your thoughts to your shed.
Jordyn-You conveyed the joy you have of sitting on that roof wonderfully making me want to be up there too.
Jordan-I loved how you described your favorite place by showing us your average day at work being a life guard.
Monique-Your place was so original, not many people would have thought of doing the bathroom. Good job!
Emily-Wow! I can really tell you are passionate about playing the harp. I loved hearing your emotions as you play it with the orchestra.
Kaitlin-Your place seems so warm and comfortable. It makes me wish that I could be at my home too.
Mackenzie-You conveyed this bridge to seem so peaceful and beautiful. I loved your fond memories of it like the game you played with your sister.
Dan-Good job. I could really see the concert hall and the thrill you get playing your violin.
Shannon-I really liked the memories and emotions you have experienced with your sister in your room.
Alyssa-Your neighborhood feels so friendly and exciting with your family and friends always there.
Bessie-That lemonade sounded really delicious! I liked the part about you and your family playing games together.
Amanda-I love how you showed that whenever you enter your basement all your worry and anger just goes away.
Sarah D.-Good job! You were amazing at showing us the special details of your room. I felt like I was in it.
Jen-Your backyard seems so warm and friendly. I can tell you had some great times in that place.
Jessica M.-I loved seeing your child, teenage and adult self correspond with things in your room.
Lauren-You did a great job describing the coolness of the chair and the warmth from your grandma.
Kelly-The transition from describing your yard and showing us your memories was perfect.
Natalie-Your cruise sounds so fun and exciting. I could tell that is was one amazing adventure.
Clayton-Your great description made me want to go up to Winter Park too. It seems like you have had some daring but fun experiences there.
Sara P.-I loved the part where you describe your friendship with Louise and meeting each other in the middle of the street.
Emilee-I like how you addressed yourself as she, it gave me a different perspective. Your attic is so interesting and mysterious. Great story!
Megan D.-Your trips to Washington to your cabin sounds so fun. I could see myself there wading through the lake.
Jesicca- You are great at showing instead of telling. I felt like I was in the ocean.
Spencer-Nice metaphors. I like how you said that the smell of nature can't be bottled.
Erin L- I love the Hong Kong story! It adds alot to the story.
Erin G- I love your Darwin reference. Great word choice.
Michelle- Its great how you told the story about kicking a hole in your wall!
Nathan- Good physical descriptions, I like your ideas on the past.
Jordan S- The begining gets my attention! I like, "I was on top of the world, and the sun knew it."
Jordan H- Great physical descriptions, i especially noticed sound.
Monique- I like your place, unusual, but engaging!
Emily L- You show instead of telling very well! Your emotional connection is great, as are your physical descriptions.
Micheal- I like the poster detail. Very nice bird of prey metaphor, and book description.
Kaitlyn- Your physical descriptions are good! I like "beauties unmatchable"
Makenzie- You make really nice emotional connections! I like "oblivious to time passing"
Dan- I love your place! You have great word choice.
Shannon- I like your happiness "bubbles". I also love the role pictures take in the essay.
Alyssa- I love the storyline, and how your godfather is your santa!
Bessie- I love, "nothing lasts forever but i guess it is for the best"
Sarah D- I love your quilt description, as well as your bears drawing out a story.
Jen- I have never thought of snowballs as crisp, but they definatly are!
Lauren- I like the description of your grandmothers skin, and the train metaphor.
Kelly- Great story line, I love the berries and the olympic antecdote!
Natalie- I like your "symphony of silence," as well as your emperor metaphor.
Clay-I love the maze called memory. I like the way you pose a question to yourself.
Sarah P- I love "us village girls" and the white trash lawn chairs! Your paper is less formal than some, and I love it.
Emilee P- I love how you refer to yourself in the third person! Very refreshing. Your place is very unusual, but that made it interesting!
Meghan- I like your sun description! Good physical descriptions.
Jessica K: Good intro sentence, amazing descriptions, especially with the senses
Spencer: Again, great descriptions. You had all senses, but they weren’t forced or overpowering. I love the perspective at the end, it’s a great contrast. Good job
Erin L: This sounds so much like home its crazy. Good job capturing summer in every way. I love the way you brought the Hong Kong trip into your essay and incorporated it so well
Erin G: Wow, you included so many details! I’m impressed.
Christine: Your essay was so cute, and clearly had your voice all through it.
Nathan: This essay was so filled with memories I could connect with I got lost in a daydream about my own past. Good job!
Jordyn S: Very epic! I love the part about watching people pass by, with the blue notebook in hand.
Jordan H: This is a nice insight into your life, and very descriptive and inclusive. I could completely immerse myself in your description.
Emily L: Great word choice and great job with your description of your sense of touch.
Michael: I like this one a lot better; it’s well put together and has good structure
Kaitlin B: Good intro, great first sentence. Also, very descriptive and insightful into your life.
Mackenzie L: I liked how you included some background information and the contrast of past and present.
Dan H: Good first sentence, I liked how you went straight into description and good word choice. The part about your violin sobbing and crying out to you was great.
Shannon: You paid a lot of attention to detail and I liked how many memories you incorporated into it.
Alyssa: Your comparison of Steve to Santa Claus was adorable, and the description of summer was so complete I could absolutely picture it.
Bessie: Nice and concise, filled with great descriptions that gave me a perfect picture of your memory
Amanda: I loved your description of your bean bag and how well you remembered how you used to play with your sister
Sarah D: Wow so much detail! Good job not holding back at all.
Jen W: Haha the part about you singing along to N*SYNC was so cute. I loved how your ending took your essay into the future too.
Lauren: Your love of your grandmother was so touching, I loved it.
Kelly: Great intro, very grabbing. The berry war sounded very exciting. The transformation of the tree and how you used it was a good subject for your essay.
Natalie: Grabbing intro, and I liked how you chose your vacation to write about. It was unique. Mexico sounds like fun (haha Mexican boys!).
Clayton W: Wow that was dramatic! I like how you used the restaurant as the base of all your memories.
Sarah P: Great memories, very specific. Good word choice too.
Emilee P: I love how your essay was written from a different perspective than anyone else’s
Megan: Good intro, you got right into your descriptions and that was great.
Jordan H- I like your attention to detail and description of kids playing in the frog pool.
Monique- You picked a unusual place to write about but you made it work very well and I liked how you described it as “ a sanctuary for my inner most thoughts.”
Emily L.- I liked when you described it as “ a place where happiness lasts and music never dies.”
Michael- Your room seems simple but very important and I liked how you said the “ books are drugs that ease” your mind.
Kaitlin- I loved when you said “branches slip through my fingers like years in life.” Great sense of emotion!
Mackenzie- You described the senses well and had a great sense of emotion showing through.
Dan- I loved how you described the nervousness that you felt the first time you went there.
Shannon- Your love for your sister showed through very well in your essay and left me hoping that when I go away my sister misses me like you miss your sister.
Alyssa- Good description of what it feels like riding a tricycle. I liked when you said, “we squeal with laughter and delight.”
Amanda- Great job putting yourself into the mindset of a child. Everything flowed very well and you had good word choice.
Sarah D.- I liked how you described the feel of the teddy bears as “soft like rose petals in the spring.”
Jen- Great figurative language! I liked when you said that you “turned the swing set into your own personal water park.”
Jessica M.- I loved the line “my walls have seen every aspect of my life…”
Lauren- I liked how you described your Grandma’s wrinkled skin like skin after getting out of a long shower. Great emotion comes through!
Kelly- I like how you captured the sense of importance that the tree holds for you. The line about the tree being a bulls-eye surrounded by berries was a great visual.
Natalie- I liked when you said that “the sea and sky become one.” The description of the ocean made me want to be there.
Clay- I liked when you said, “ I am in no hurry.” It was so simple but so many people are in a hurry all the time even on vacations, it was nice to feel a change of pace.
Sara P.- Great emotion and attention to detail. I liked when you said the “usually conquerable streets become treacherous roadways.”
Emilee- I like how you used 3rd person. It worked really well in your essay and made it very unique but also added to the emotion in it.
Meghan- Good images and emotion showed through. I liked how you said you were “swallowing your fear.”
*Jessica K- I can feel the sand and the water and you did a really good job describing the water and I had a really good visual of the beach.
*Spencer- WOW! Fantastic word choice! You did a great job and I really liked the food description and the trees towering above you and the escape from a structured society.
*Erin L aka Elam- I can really connect to this because there is a tree in my backyard outside and we eat out there in the summer with the corn and can hear the sounds of the neighborhood there too.
*Erin G- Good description of your surroundings and how you fell when doing certain actions. I really feel like I’m there and can feel how you feel.
*Christine- This reminds me of my room kicking things aside. I have a hole in my wall too and my room is covered in pictures and reminds me of the good times.
*Nathan- I like the description of the yellow and the meat cooking on the top of the shed and the quiet place it represents.
*Jordyn- That was amazing! You did a really good job describing how you felt and could really be there.
*Jordan H- I liked how you described how whistle sounds off the walls and the kids playing and all of your surroundings. It creates a really good visual of the pool.
*Monique- I love my bathroom too! The way you told us about how you are completely alone and at peace and can think with your innermost thought really creates the air of the room.
*Emily L- I like how you wrote about being a nervous twelve year old and how the music relaxes away all the stress of the past week. I also like the connection between you and your instrument and the balance you need to find.
*Michael the Remix- This one sounds a lot better than the last one. It flows well and the way to talk about it, it really sounds like you aka the posters and how you can think of your thoughts. I love the idea of books as your drugs getting you through pain.
*Kaitlin – I love the description of a blanket like a child in a mothers arms and it sounds really homey.
*Mackenzie L- The way you wrote about this place makes it seem really calm and peaceful. I also like the connection to your childhood and the role play you did.
*Dan- I like how you said an enclosed coliseum and the smell of the locker room. I also like the connection between you and your violin.
*Shannon- The way you talk about your sister leaves something empty like the reader wondering where she is. I like the description of the desk and your corsage from homecoming. It brings it from just a room to a place of memories.
*Alyssa- I like how you compare your god father to Santa Clause, it gives a really good idea of who he is as a person. The food and tables give your place a sense of community.
*Bessie- I like the cool lemonade running down your throat and how it’s the place where you feel most like yourself.
*Amanda-I like the way you describe the bean bag and hoe you feel in your basement. I also like the way you tell about playing dress up.
*Sarah D- I love the description of the stale air and how the bed smells.
*Jen- OOO I like the spiking of the nail through your foot…. It’s kinda gross but good description.
*Jessica M- The way you talked about your pictures really painted a good visual.
*Lauren- Since I edited your paper it sounds a lot better! WOW good work on the description of the hair on your arms.
*Kelly- I like the berry wars and how it’s every man of himself. The sounds and feelings paint a good picture.
*Natalie- I like how you said being whisked away and the bittersweet taste of thinking of the trip.
*Clay- I like how the chocolate reminds you of all your memories skiing and it really brings your story together.
*Sarah P- I like the picture of the white trash lawn chairs and how you meet in the middle of the street. It reminds me of me and my neighbor.
*Emilee P- I like the stale smell of the air and the faint smell of oak and how you wrote it.
*Megan- Small somersaults and the rickety wood paints a great picture. I also like the way the lake sounds.
Jessica K.- I love how you describe the waves in the beginning and as you enter the ocean. You describe the feelings so well and it is easy for me to imagine your place. Beautiful language!
Spencer- I like how you describe all of the different people that you become in your place. I also like how you describe the trees as guards from structured society. I also love the part where you are describing the smell of nature and that it cannot be bottled up.
Erin L.- I like the way you describe the plane ride and exiting the plane- the smell of the plane, and feeling the humidity when arriving. I could almost smell the plane and feel the humidity.
Christine- I love how you personify the mess on your floor as grabbing your feet and your pillows tickling your face. Also, I like when your mind “fills with fog” after you kicked the wall. It describes your feelings well.
Nathan- I like when you describe yourself as a piece of meat. This is a really great way to describe how the shed makes you physically feel. I also enjoyed the way you described the shed as having many faces and moods.
Jordyn S- I love how you describe your roof in the fall- the tea and its steam, the colors of the leaves, and the smell of the paper when you’re drawing. These were very descriptive sentences and they really helped me place myself on your roof.
Jordan H- I like how you describe your hairs standing up; very descriptive. I also like the metaphor where you describe the children racing to the end.
Monique- I love the metaphor where you describe yourself as a woodland creature sheltered by the forest! I really liked that metaphor.
Emily L- I loved the way you described your first experience. I could understand how you felt and it was extremely descriptive. It was a very beautiful essay.
Michael H- I like how you describe your closet as a dark labyrinth. I also like how the sounds outside come together to form a soundtrack that accompanies your nights.
Kaitlin- I loved how you described the room like a forest in fall and all of the scents were very descriptive. I could almost smell it.
Mackenzie- I really liked how the bridge acts as a gate to your imaginary world. You also had great descriptions of the outdoors.
Dan- Really Beautiful! I could completely immerse myself in your place. You had wonderful descriptions and the feelings you described as you picked up your violin were very nice.
Shannon- I like how the condition of your dresser resembles the past that you wish you could still live. I liked the term “bubbles of happiness;” it really described the feeling of joy well and it was very creative and original.
Alyssa- I really loved the descriptions of Steve’s voice. I could picture him there. I really enjoyed the new additions to your essay. They really helped your place come alive through your writing. Great additions!
Bessie- I really liked how your essay moves through time and shows how the times you spend here become good memories.
Amanda- I love your flashback and how your place takes you to the imaginary worlds of your childhood.
Sarah D- Your essay had very nice word choice and metaphors. I liked the memories that you included.
Jen W- I love how your essay moves through time in the beginning, showing your place through the seasons. I really liked the metaphor about mowing the lawn being a joy ride.
Jessica M- I liked how the walls watch over your life through the good and the bad. They seemed to be empathetic with your every feeling.
Lauren- I really like the descriptions of being cold; the shivers racing to your toes and your hairs standing like a field of wheat; really good descriptions!
Kelly- I like how the tree can change into any world you wish and it takes you away from the real world.
Natalie- I like the metaphor of the wind and your hair and the symphony of the engine. I also like how the lights of the bay wave goodbye to the ship.
Clay- I like how your memories are a “maze.” The transitions between the past and the present are very smooth. As in a movie, I could picture one scene morphing into the next.
Sarah P- Very nice language! I like how you describe the different walks you take along the path.
Emilee P- I like the unusual third person perspective. Very nice and sophisticated language.
Megan D- Good metaphors. I like how the wind whispers in your ears. I can place myself in your place.
Michael: I liked the description of your closet and how you brought the past and present together. I also loved how you talked about your books and their adventures.
Jessica K: That was excellent! You had great descriptions that pulled me in and were very powerful!
Spencer: Like Jessica, you had wonderful descriptions that make this place sound completely mystical and real simultaneously.
Erin L: I especially liked the descriptions of Hong Kong; even though I’ve never been there it felt like I had!
Erin: I enjoyed the piece of your essay when you talked about the birds, I remember sitting so still that it feels that you can’t move too!
Christine: The feelings that you “show” are really descriptive and accurate!
Nathan: I really liked the powerful sentence about time and being “swept away”. Good thoughts.
Jordyn S: The metaphors you use are very powerful and make your story and memories vivid. Good writing!
Jordan H: I like the description of walking into the pool and the contrast of the sounds of the pool. Your descriptions were so detailed that it felt like I was really there!
Monique R: I liked your metaphors. It gave me a feel about what this place is like!
Emily L: You transitioned very well from your memories and the present. I especially liked the line “where happiness laughs and joy never dies” and the description of how you felt the first time you walked into the room. I knew exactly what you were talking about!
Kaitlin: I liked the descriptions of the tree and how it seemed to hold many years of your memories.
Dan H: I liked the description about how the sound would bounce back and forth through the concert hall.
Shannon A: I liked you described the memories and how you described the emotions linked with these memories.
Alyssa G: I liked how you described the sounds of the people on the street and the feeling of riding on your tricycle.
Bessie: I loved the line “the trees slowly engulf the sun” because it was so much more interesting than just saying “the sun set”. I also liked the line, “bittersweet feeling that we will never get that day back”. It was powerful and interesting. Good job!
Amanda: I like your similes and metaphors…they were very powerful and gave simple things beautiful images! I also really liked the description of your princess adventures. Wonderful writing!
Sarah D: I liked how you talked about the bears and the memories linked to them. Good job!
Jen: I liked how you began your essay, it was very “intriguing” how you talked about how the grass changed with the seasons but how it was still inviting whether it was green and squishy or brown and crunchy.
Jessica M: Your descriptions of the things in your room were very detailed and unique witch made your essay interesting. I liked how you linked your memories to the objects in your room.
Lauren: That was really good! I liked your similes that were unique but very descriptive. Your essay made me feel like I was there!
Kelly: the description of the difference between the hot concrete and the cool grass gave me a clear picture of what it was like. I really enjoyed hearing your memories and how the tree could change from time to time.
Natalie: It felt like I was there with you! I liked how you described the sounds and tastes on the boat.
Clay: I liked the line: “through the maze called memory”. I really liked your essay and how you transitioned easily between your memories and the current time.
Sarah P: I liked your description of the snow and how the streets are normally conquerable but are now treacherous. Good word choice!
Emilee: I liked how you made your essay in third person and how it became a section of a story. I liked the line, “a hiding place, or a finding place” and how you put in a lot of sound. Good Job!
Megan: I liked how you began the part you read with the rickety dock and how you felt apprehensive as you walked down it. I also liked how you showed small details like the red blanket with the moose.
Natalie: "The salty wind filling my nostrils," I love how you said how you relate that smell of the ocean to the wind. Thats very unique.
Clay:"A collasal man," I love how you incorrporated your memory into the story, still keeping it in present tense and using the sensory and emotion filled techniques.
Emilee P: "The icy gri[ps of fear" I love that! Normally people describe how fear makes THEM feel, but you did how fear in itself is like.
Megan: I like the way you talk about how the deck scared you, how you had to take small cautious steps.
1.Michael Hewitt: The way you described the way the bass makes the world tremble and you said what happens, the ears going numb and the windows shaking.
2.Jessica K: I love the vocabulary you used, some of the verbs weren’t what we normally think to use. “immersed,” “Tumbled,” “enveloping,”
3.Spencer: The sophisticated vocabulary and the sense of how you truly love this place is very admirable. I love the way that you write and structured your sentences.
4.Erin Lamb: The way that you described Hong Kong, the smells the visuals, I especially love the way you referred to the Asians as Dwarfs!
5.Erin G: “Their tales flail threw the air, as if they were helicopters..” I love that! It really paints an image in my mind and I can picture their tales!
6.Christine: I love the personality and the voice that is present throughout your paper! It makes it very intriguing and easy to listen too. The hole in the wall!
7.Nathan: You did very well at showing and not telling. You described the smells and sounds and stayed away from just telling what everything is.
8.Jordyn S: I love how you talk about the road, and how it is your time to shine. It gives the paper a whole independence feel to it. The seasons that you describe are amazing! I love the way that you talk about fall, that makes me want to see it.
9.Jordan Hunt: Your senses, and the way that you describe the feeling of the things, and the way that you describe the whistle, shows a lot of emotion! Nice!
10.Monique: I love the way that you describe the colors, and the way that they make you feel. Their history and how you feel about them now.
11.Emily L: The way that you describe the way that you hands felt while you were nervous, although you never said that you were nervous, how you explained how you felt with a way that we all can relate to, enabled us to know that you were nervous.
12.Michael the remix: the way that you describe how this room is your retreat at the beginning is a very good opener, it is a bit of an attention grabber but it is not to overwhelming. “Its comfortable mess.”
13.Katilin: I love how you in between trains of thoughts you added little pieces of the outside world, like, “ the ground is frozn covered by a white blanket,”
14.Mackenzie: “slowly seeping into my toes threw my dirty white tennis shoes-” I love this sentence! It paints a really good picture. You never had any empty sentences, it had a really good flow.
15.David: The way that you describe all of the feelings in your body, you showed so much emotion, I especially love the way that you describe your case!
16.Shannon: I really like how you talked about your desk, it really became the center of the story and how you talked about each individual item made the writing feel very personal
17.Bessie: “rustled,” the sweat dripped down my face,” very vivid wording! “the trees slowly en gulf the sun,” I love the emotion and how you talk about how we will never get this day back!
18.Amanda: The way that you start off the piece of writing as if you are in the present, and you are walking through the space right now. It makes it very original, like we are there with you.
19.Sarah Downs: The way that you describe the air that is in the room, is very easy to relate too, we can all remember how that air tastes like!
20.Jennifer: “This Amazon-like world,” I love the comparison. “A colossal splash.” Ouch! The description of the nail is very vivid!
21.Jessica M: The bookshelves and the way that you talked about them really caught my attention, how you described the books and what they looked and smelled like was really original, I have never thought of books having a distinct smell but now that you mention it, they do!
22.Lauren: “Like a footrace from my back to my toes.” I love how you decided to do a person, instead of a place, I think that that was something that nobody else considered. It was very sweet how you talked about her!
23.Kelly: When you talk about the tree, and how it is like a bulls eye in the middle of the fallen berry’s and the leaves; really paints a good picture in my mind. Also the gymnastics routine! I think every girl can relate to that!
Coffeehouse Reading
Michael~ I understand what everything looks like, great sense of visual descriptions.
Jessica K.~ Great way of showing what is happening, not telling.
Spencer~ Great descriptions of all of the senses and I can feel what you are feeling.
Erin L.~ I loved the hair description when you got off the plane, and the height comment.
Erin G.~ I can feel what you are feeling, great way of showing and connecting
with the reader.
Christine~ I felt the pillows and their texture. Great way of showing your senses.
Nathan~ I liked your description of time, your honesty shows and makes the
piece great.
Jordyn S.~ I liked the way that you described your emotions, I felt what you felt.
Jordon H.~ I could feel the air's temperature when you entered the pool. Great descriptions and feelings, it was very personal.
Monique~ I like that you are so honest, that always makes an essay that much more personal.
Emily L.~ you have great sentences and I could hear what you were explaining.
Kaitlin~ I can feel the transitions from fall to winter which was great.
Mackenzie~ I can see the paint and feel its texture, wonderful.
Dan~ You had a great sense of feeling, I loved your emotions.
Shannon~ I got chills when you described the air pouring into your room, great sense of touch. I like the quote ¡§the moving pictures on the screen,¡¨ was a great way of showing the TV, not just telling about it.
Alyssa~ You had a great sense of sound, and great way of showing your senses and emotions.
Bessie~ I can taste the lemonade, and I can feel where you are, great job.
Amanda~ Your descriptions are outstanding, you got in touch with all of my senses.
Jen~ I liked the way that you showed the backyard as the Amazon jungle; that gave me a great visual.
Jessica M.~ you had a great way of showing the smells in the room, I felt as if I could smell it.
Lauren~ I could feel what you told, and it gave me goose bumps. You had great ways of showing movement and texture, instead of just telling it. your writing is very natural and honest.
Kelly~ You explain things very well and concisely which makes the story upbeat and exciting.
Natalie~ this is my dream vacation! I loved how you described the feeling of being on the ship and all of the surroundings.
Clay~ you had very natural transitions from the story to the memory, although your memory was a little scary.
Sarah P.~ I can feel the memories and you had great descriptions about your neighborhood.
Emilee P~ I enjoyed your way of showing the place, I felt as if I was inside of the room and I felt all of its surroundings.
Megan~ you had a great way of showing your emotions and surroundings, I could see the lake in great detail.
Jessica K. - You have an amazingly well written essay, with a good balance between each of your different senses.
Spencer - The wording of you essay was fantastic, and really made the essay flow together well.
Erin L. - I really enjoyed the details you added about Hong Kong and the experiences with your family; it made the essay fun to listen to.
Erin G. - You had amazing visual imaging, especially about the animals. I could picture everything you talked about.
Christine B. - I realy enjoyed the line about the scent of your pillow, "wet roses in the rain." It gives not only a recognizably beautiful scent, but also a very good visual image too.
Nathan - I really liked the metaphors and anecdotes that you put throughout your entire essay, it kept it interesting to listen to.
Jordyn S. - The way you described your feelings on the top of the roof were interesting to listen to, and something that I can definetly relate to also. Good job!
Jordan H. - You had really good descrpitions, I liked the visual and the sound the best, when describing the whistles and the children.
Monique R. - I like the uniqueness of your place, the thought of solitude throughout your essay was good too.
Emily L. - I really enjoed the part where you describe how the world falls away when you play your instrument, you wrote it so it was very easy to relate too.
Michael - I like the line where you describe your floor as a comfortable mess, it sums up the feelings of a crowded floor really simply, and yet is the perfect way to describe it.
Kaitlin B. - You have a really good balance of each sense in you essay, which makes it feel like I am actually there.
Mackenzie L. - I really enjoyed the visual images that you described throughout your piece, it made it really enjoyable to listen to.
Dan - The transitions and flow of your essay is amazing, and so are the descriptions throughout it as well. Good job showing, not telling.
Shannon A. - I like the balance you had through your essay of memories and descriptions of your room.
Alyssa - I absolutely loved the way you described everything throughout your essay, and how you had memories throughout it as well.
Bessie - you have really good sounds in you essay, and interesting memories as well.
Amanda N. - I like you details and elements of feelings you have. The way you wrote your essay was fun to listen to and try and picture.
Sarah D. - I can really see exactly what your place looks like! Good job on the descriptions.
Jennifer W. - I like how you incorporate memories and desciptions into your essay, it paints a very even picture.
Lauren - Yu have really good similes and metaphors throughout your entire piece. Good job on those!
Kelly O. - Your visual descriptions were amazing to listen to.
Natalie M. You have a good balance between each sense in your essay, which makes it easily 'come to life' in my mind.
Clay W. - You had great transitions and thoughts throughout your essay, which made it flow together very nicely. Good job!
Sarah P. - Amazing metaphors! They made the whole essay easy and fun to connect to.
Emilee P. - I really liked the perspective that you wrote your paper in. It made it unique! The descriptions were also very good.
Megan D. - I really enjoyed your descriptions throughout you essay. They were constant and flowed together very well.
MY COMMENTS
Slappy: good job bringing pieces of you into your writing, like things you like to do, movies you like to watch, and books you like to read. Much better than the last one.
Jessica K: great scenes! You really put the listener in your place and they feel as if they are experiencing what your words are describing.
Spencer: good job describing yourself. I like the roses – you can almost smell them!! Good voice! If you weren’t reading it I would be able to tell who wrote it.
Erin L: good senses, but you could refrain from saying I taste, I hear, I feel, I see. Use other words to describe the senses. You need to describe your emotions. I don’t know how you feel. I like the “height challenged part” overall good memories
Erin G: I like how you tell it like a story. It flows nicely! It’s almost as if you place yourself an animal figure. Your essay taps into your senses really well
Christine: I like how you describe your room and then tell stories about it. Good ending!
Nathan: good meat analogy. You do a good job bringing the stories back to your shed
Jordyn: I just love your essay! Good way to begin.
Jordan H: you describe the setting really well and I can picture everything you are talking about. You describe the little things that in regular writing you don’t usually notice. I like your essay a lot.
Monique: you were very truthful! I liked how you described the differences of your 3 bathrooms but tied them together with similarities.
Emily: You describe the setting well. I can envision just where you are and I can see your facial expressions. You pull the reader in and you convey your feelings really well
Caitlin: good senses! You describe sight, sound, and touch really well
Mackenzie: I liked the stories you brought into the essay. It makes it come alive. You describe your imagination and thoughts very well.
Dan: good similes! I liked how you started 2 hrs before your concert and then ended the paper after the concert was over. Overall good job.
Shannon: good job describing your room. I like how you tell stories about the memories that come out of the pictures.
Alyssa: remembering your childhood is a great way to describe your place. I like the senses you incorporated into the picnic and the summer.
Bessie: I liked the stories you tied in to your writing. Good job painting a picture of the soccer game
Amanda: good analogies. You describe every detail very well.
Sarah D: I feel like I am sitting in your room looking at the walls and I can feel the cool air. You describe it very well.
Jessica W. I like how you compared your backyard to the Amazon. Good job describing your experiences in your backyard in different seasons.
Jessica M: you describe your room very well and I can feel the senses you are describing
Lor Lor: AMAZING! What can I say you’re just amazing. I like “the texture of elephants” and you describe your grandmother very well.
Kelly: I like the “bull’s eye” analogy. You make it sound like so much fun, and I like how you transition the tree with different seasons of your life.
Todd (Clayton): I like how you describe what happened to you from your perspective and a narrator’s perspective. It really completes your paper.
Sarah P: I like how you described your neighborhood in all different kinds of weather.
Emilee P: I like how you incorporated someone else not just yourself into your essay. It makes it a lot more interesting.
Megan D: good job describing winter. That is exactly how winter feels
Chris- great use of images, I really like the description of your cabin.
Ryan- great description of the road, I can the it winding, Great Job
Jordan L.- Great job describing the hot vs. the cold I can really feel it.
Kyle- good job telling about your childhood memories, good visual images
Chris: Good intro, and great calming descriptions
Ryan: I liked your metaphor about your stomach knotting up like a dysfunctional yoyo.
Jordan L: Yum, the smell of mango is amazing. Good description of your senses.
Kyle: Good job incorporating the future into your essay.
MY COMMENTS
Chris: I liked how you described the trees and the other surroundings. They came alive. Good job!
Ryan: good analogy about searching for the barn like a dog. I liked how you described the road and all the memories it had.
Jordan L: good senses and you really pull the reader in.
Kyle: I like how you gave background information. Great way to start your essay. You make the reader want to read more.
Chris B
• I really liked the description of the horse and all of the other animals. It gave life to your already strong essay
Ryan F
• The idea that the mountain house can change “nothing into something” was an incredible thought and very powerful.
Alyssa Gafvert
• Nice essay! Your imagery was extremely powerful and well-described.
Jordan L
• Your description of the release is really incredible especially as you describe it with powerful metaphors
Meghan D
• Your writing is so strong! Always have confidence in the high quality of your abilities
Emilee P
• Your 3rd person view was unique and amazing. It added a lot to your essay. I loved the line about your hiding place and finding place.
Kyle N
• An interesting choice for your place; I would have liked to have heard more, but it was well-crafted.
Kristin K
• The anecdotes in your writing add a lot of character to it. Also, your description of Jack was really striking.
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Chris-Your description of your cabin reminds me of mine. It made me wish that I was there.
Ryan-I love how you describe your favorite place by taking us all for a drive to the farm.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
Jordan L.-That is such a great idea to pick your car for your place. Good job showing us your joy for driving.
Kyle-Great job describing the feelings and experiences you’ve had at Dikemen’s house.
Chris~ I like your way of describing the animals and your surroundings, you had a great way of showing where you were.
Ryan~ you had great ways of showing how you felt and your nervousness.
Jordan L.~ you had a great way of telling how hot it was and the way that you feel.
Kyle~ you are very passionate about your memories and honesty makes the story very good.
S. Danger Zepelin: I thought it was very good, but I think that the language used, some words that I did not understand, takes away from the message. I think that, had simpler language been used, the message would have been much stronger.
E-Lamb- The images are very good, I can really see all the places described. Especially Hong Kong, and the plane on the way there was very real to me because she seemed to hit on the head exactly the way a plane feels, smells, looks, and tastes.
Jordyn- I really felt like I was there.
Jordan Hunt- When you described the water in your ear, it made me want to shake my head and get water out of my ear.
Monique Rodriguez- good work, I like your bathroom
Emily Levin- this story makes me want to hear you play harp again!
Tyrique- nice work, I really like the books used, because they are some sick books!
Kaitlin Bast- good work Kaitlin, it made me want to see you room
Mak L- I would like to go to this place and see what it is that makes the bridge so special to you.
Dan Huh- you rock my world! I wish I could hear you play violin, it sounds like you’re a boss!
Shannon Adler- I would like to smell the flowers and candle in your room. I could smell the ocean as you described the ocean breeze candle.
Alyssa Gafvert- I would like to meet your godfather who is your “santa claus”
Sarah Downs- I would like to see the bears, and what movies you have
Jennifer- it sounds like you really enjoy your yard, and mowing your lawn.
Jessica M- it seems like your room means a lot to you, and that you’ve done a lot to make it something that is important to you
Lauren- you’re grandma sounds like a sweet old lady, it makes me want to meet her
Nat Marg. - you make me feel like a cruise would be the sweetest thing ever!
Sarah P. - I’ve been to your street, and you described it in a way I never thought of before! BRAVO!!!!
E-Prado- it is really cool how you used the third person. It seems like you are a total stranger to the person you’re describing, but it’s YOU! Crazy dude! Crazy!
Chris Bergyhoff- I wander where this place is. It seems like it is pretty sweet!T
24.Chris B: “The only sound that can be herd is the sound of utter and complete silence.” I love this because I like how you contradict yourself, it makes the reader or listener pay attention and think about what you are saying.
25.Ryan: “The tangled string of a dysfunctional yo-yo” “making my nausea come to life like Pinocchio.” I love the similes that you use!
26.Jordan L: Your story is very personal, which engages the people who are listening because we never know what is going to come next!
27.Kyle N: Your piece is very original it sounds like you are going to go into a lot of old memories! It makes me want you to keep reading
28.Mrs. Kakos: I love how you go back and forth in between memories and the “present,” they are like stories inside stories. It intrigues the reader and some how all of the stories and memories tie together!
28. Chris B.
• “The dew dripping rhythmically” you did a great job of making me hear and see your place. I really liked it, and I want to go up to the mountains now!
29. Ryan
• “Tangled string like a dysfunctional yoyo.” That was a really cool visual! You did a really great job of using your senses and emotion.
30. Jordan L.
• I loved how you described the smell of the air freshener! “The hot air triggers days of the cold winter.” I really like how you said this. Nice piece!
31. Kyle N.
• I love how you really showed your emotional attachment to Dikemans house. I like how you said it was what you thought of when childhood came to mind.
32. Kakos
• I really like how you made your story a sort of gothic theme of selling your sole. The description of the nickel pressing your mothers eyes, and spine was really cool!
Ryan: Good word choice and use of metaphors!
Jordan L: I loved how you went from your memories to the present so easily! I liked the details of your car and how you described the shadows of your memories.
Kyle: I liked your descriptions about this house and what it means to you.
*Chris- I like the way to described the birds in the morning and them feeding their young.
*Ryan- I like the way you talked about your stomach being in a knot like a yoyo. I also like the way you talk about the road and how windy and curvy it is.
*Kyle- This reminds me of my friends house. I remember when you and Eric were buddies in elementary school. I also like how you will always remember that place no matter where you are.
Chris
I love your descriptions of the dew in the morning and the sound of the water. You did a nice job placing the setting into the mountains.
Ryan
Good job- you described the perilous journey with close attention to detail and drew the reader into the trip.
Jordan L.
You did a great job of showing not telling-especially when describing your tension and exhaustion. I like how your car transformed into a vehicle for memories.
Guns
You had a good opening first sentence, and I like how you described the special memories of the house and neighborhood.
Kakos
I loved the humor in your story, and you drew the reader into your mind and past. The eeriness of the story was wonderful.
Chris - Your essay is very descriptive and the way you worded everything made it fun to listen to.
Ryan - I like how you describe how you got to the place, not just about the place.
Jordan L. - I like your place, it's very unique and you describe your feelings well, making it easy to connect to.
Kyle - Your thoughts are very real and genuine. Good job!
Kakos! - I like the uniqueness in which you describe each memory and detail. The whole story was interesting to listen to and very genuine.
Chris- Great images! I liked when you talked about the fish jumping out of the water and captured beauty of nature very well.
Ryan- I liked the metaphor about your eyes searching like homeless dog.
Jordan L.- Nice transitions between past and present. You captured many images very vividly.
Kyle- Great sense of emotion, I liked how you referenced the future and the past.
Bergy - I loved your word usage. It really painted a picture and then made the picture come alive. The way you described it was very clear too
Chirs- Very descriptive. I liked the metaphor about the bird diving to find food.
Ryan- Really nice metaphors and similes. You had creative and original writing.
Jordan L- Creative place to write about. I liked the memories you included and they show how your car "is there" through all of your good and bad times.
Kyle- Cool place. I liked the memories that you included and the look into the future and having to leave your place.
1. Michael
• You added great comic relief at times when I don’t think you meant to, which really made your essay personal and very good.
2. Jessica K.
• That was an amazing piece of work. I can see the water dropping off of your hair.
3. Spencer
• You really related it back to me when you described how it wasn’t a special place to anyone but you, which is the way most people probably feel when they enter their special comfort zone
4. Erin L.
• You really made me want the summer to come so bad, you did a great job describing the amazing feeling of summer
5. Erin G.
• I really like how you said you felt alone in the middle of suburbia, it was a great metaphor
6. Christine B.
• You did a really good job of describing your room, I felt as though I was standing in your room seeing everything happen, you did a very good showing the feeling you get from your room
7. Nathan
• You did a great job describing the shed and how much it meant to you when you were younger. You had a very good righting style
8. Jordyn
• You did such an amazing job describing your favorite place. You have such a powerful writing voice and it really showed in your essay
9. Jordan
• After editing your essay, I can really see how you added your personal voice. It sounds very good and personal
10. Monique
• Your honesty about having the bathroom being one of your favorite places truly made this a very personal and well written essay, good job!
11. Emily L.
• Your writing is truly AMAZING, it isn’t fair. Although I have never related to musical rehearsals, you made feel like I was there and like I knew exactly what was going on.
12. Kaitlin
• You had some very good descriptions, my favorite was the one about the feeling of the pine needles that fade through your hands like forgotten years
13. Mackenzie L.
• The description of traveling to another CO was a really good metaphor to how you feel about going down the “path”
14. Dan H.
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15. Shannon A.
• I feel the sadness and loneliness in your writing when you describe the absence
16. Alyssa
• When you described is voice like thunder, all of the descriptions matched perfect to both the thunder and a comforting voice. Very Good, similies.
17. Bessie
• I love your description of summer, it makes me really want to be there, which compliments your descriptions
18. Amanda N.
• That was AMAZING!! I was completely taken in by your writing and couldn’t even thinkkof comments as you spoke
19. Sarah D.
• Your description of your room was really detailed. I can tell you really like to be there
20. Jen W.
• Although your essay was more about your old house, I can really see memories about your brother , which I think really makes your house special
21. Jessica M.
• I have never gotten to read your writing but I can really see your great style through your unique and amazing metaphors
22. Lauren F.
• You had some very good metaphors, I really liked the one about your hair on your arm compared to a wheat field in the winter
23. Kelly O.
• What were you talking about, Kelly, that was so good and you told me that it wasn’t?! I loved your connection to the tree and everything it was to you
24. Natalie M.
• That was a very good description of the cruise; you made me want to be there.
25. Clay W.
• I love Sunspot! What a great place to describe, and you did an excellent job with all of the emotion in the essay
26. Sarah P.
• I can really hear your personal voice and I think that made East Easter Place come alive.
27. Emilee P.
• I love the how the character was “she” and not “I”, Your writing was amazing and very descriptive and appealing to the senses
28. Megan D.
• After already hearing it once, I was still completely engaging and had great colorful descriptions
29. Chris
• I really liked how you described your mountain house’s layout, it made it very interesting and really personal
30. Jordan L.
• You told me your essay wasn’t good but you lied, it was so good and your writing style made it very intriguing
31. Kyle
• I thought it was very cool that you were able to use your friends house as your favorite place, it was very personal and really good.
Chris-I like the story and the bullet metapor.
Ryan-I love the dysfunctional yo yo. You have very cool, unique metaphors.
Jordan L- I like the conversation piece.
Kyle- I like your place, it is very unique.
The feedback that all of you have given to each other is impressive! I think that writing is a bit of a dance between the little details and the larger picture, and you reflect on both with grace and precision.
Also, a special thank you to those of you who commented on my story. I certainly didn't expect you to, but it was great to read. I have to admit that I suddenly felt nervous while reading my story, which is strange because I stand in front of you and talk to you every single day. I think reading your own memoir makes you vulernable, but it's good for you somehow. Anyway, thanks for listening. It's an honor to share a little piece of myself with you.
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